Archive for May, 2001

what a fucking joke

May 31, 2001

they*re downstairs… fighting… big surprise.
my mom*s defending me, i love her so much.
i feel horrible, i want to go down there and stand up for her, but everytime i do that it only gets worse because “that guy who lives here” and i get into some pretty bad fights, and my mom has asked me to just sit until i chill out because i wind up screaming in his face
and the bastards talking about throwing me out…
what a fucking joke.


May 31, 2001

anyone got ideas for me to make money? i needa fix my friggen car.
**will work//sing//dance//ANYTHING
for money**
help me.
give me odd jobs to do.
i need ideas.

May 31, 2001


the title of father is no longer his…

May 30, 2001

how one person could be so incredibly selfish and so incredibly horrid shocks and disgusts me more than i thought possible.
i hate him.
and to make matters worse, everything that is happening to me, is happening to my mother x5. my mother, my best friend, my saviour, my everything.
i wouldn*t care if it was just me that he was hurting, but how fucking dare he hurt her…
i have nothing left for him. no feelings. no sympathy. nothing.
only hate. pure and fucking simple.

zoom zoom

May 29, 2001

so i just got back from driving my car for the first +legal+ time.
i went to dmv today and got plates and registration…
and so there was this big huge rainstorm and i*m driving through west hempstead and i pulled over to clear off my winshield wipers cause there were little flower blossoms on them thus it wasn*t gettin rid of the water properly, and i look up, and the rain stops, and a rainbow comes out… just for me…
and i only see it getting better from here.
two more weeks and i*m fucking gone.


May 28, 2001

i need seeeeeeeex.
it*s been to long.
this fucking sucks.
i neeeeeeeeeed sseeeeeeeeeeeeexx.


May 27, 2001

lia*s mare dropped it*s foal. one of the prettiest mares i*d ever seen too… champion cutting horse with phenominal conformation. and the sire is this two-time world champion team penning horse.
i can*t wait to see what the baby looks like when she*s all grown up, she*s gonna be somethin special.
and she was 3 days old today. and the cutest little bundle of legs and ears i*d ever seen.

May 27, 2001

zach just stopped by… he came over outta nowhere. i hadn*t seen//spoken to him in months…
we used to be really close friends. and then, well, i don*t know what happened. anyways we made plans to hang out saturday and that should be fun. he*s one of the most brilliantly intelligent people i*ve ever met. zach, lolo, gary… i guess i don*t really have much more to say, i can*t put what i*m thinking into words so i*m not even gonna bother…

and the clock ticks endlessly into the night…

May 27, 2001

yesterday was weird. really weird. i woke up at like 2pm which is really late for me because i couldn*t get to sleep the night before and just because i haven*t been to a show in ages (tryin to budget the cash…) i was like ah screw it i*ll go see kill your idols (they wound up cancelling. fuckers.) and go hang out with some kids. so i went to ground zero, and there weren*t too many people there. bom and k-dawg and the vs kids and then mat showed up and i got really sad. really, really sad and i was watchin life of riley ( i ❤ them) and even that didn*t help to lighten my mood so i went out back and did a little sumthin-sumthin to ease the pain and it helped and then i saw mat again and he was like “can i at least have a hug?” and of course i had to because i miss him so much and i almost started crying while he was holding me in his arms…
and then bill and aaron showed up and that made the day a little better cause aaron is crazy and he makes me laugh and bill understands so we just sat on the couch in the back for the entire show just bein jaded together and it was nice… cause i
miss bill… and because he*s leaving soon…
so they came back to my house after the show (bill&aaron) and spent the night. bill and i fell asleep together in my bed and it was nice… it was just such an incredibly comforting feeling to be with a person you care about and that you know cares deeply about you… i haven*t had that in so long…


May 26, 2001

oh man i*m such a friggen emo kid in hiding…
i just got off the fone with mat. he*s my ex-ex-ex. (figure it out yourself…) he*s one of my absolute closest friends, and i love him. i really care about him and wish only the best for him… but… he*s made some really stupid choices in his life (so have i of course, but i realised that they were stupid and made changes) which have caused him some pretty severe consequences. and he still doesn*t realise what he*s doing…
his bestfriends, myself included, have all sat him down and tried to intervene. but he*s in denial and won*t change for anyone…
and i*m so scared… so scared for his future. because he*s sliding downhill at a blindingly fast pace. and i don*t want to go through losing yet +another+ one of my friends, be it to rehab, jail, even death…
i*ve tried to reach him for two years… and i can*t stand to watch him to this to himeself anymore… it*s just too painful. i*ve had to pretty much detatch myself from him… as crappy as that*s been. so tonight i figured ‘hey, it*s been over a month, maybe i sho
uld give him a call just to see how he*s doing…’ so i paged him and we just got off the fone and he hasn*t changed a bit… and i don*t know what to do… i*m so scared for him… and it hurts so much to see him like this.