Archive for June, 2001

I PASSED

June 18, 2001

I PASSED MY ROADTEST!!

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ack

June 17, 2001

my road test is in
7 hours and 45 minutes…

come tomorrow you*ll be on your way back home…

June 17, 2001

just got in from a looooong weekend… i smell like shit from sleeping out and i need a shower bad. fuck that.
i spent it with you know who of course. we spent a couple nights together, we talked, we cried, we screwed. the usual. all i want is to be near him. he*s unlike anyone i*ve ever met before. it*s so rare i feel like that about people. and for once, someone, he, feels it in return.
i dropped him at the train about two hours ago, and i was in so much pain i could literally feel it. physically i mean. he said it wasn*t goodbye. again. but somehow i feel it is. we cried some more. he said he*ll come back and visit and he*ll write and he*ll call, and i know he will. but i don*t know if i*ll ever see him again… and then he stepped on the train and was gone…

June 15, 2001

english regents exams fucking blow hardcore.
ack.

bruised heart, bruised girl…

June 14, 2001

so another day goes by without a word from bill…
and his mother keeps calling me asking for info on where he is. and i don*t know where he is. and that hurts. because i*m so worried about him…
it*s true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder…
we*ve gotten so close in such a short period of time, and i feel that if given time, this could turn into something special, because to me, it already is…
but he*s leaving… and all i want to do is spend every remaining minute with him that i possibly can… but i don*t think that can happen…
and i want to tell him exactly how i feel about him. how i want to be near him. but i can*t. because he needs to leave here, and i don*t want to make him feel trapped. because i know he feels the same way about me. he*s told me a billion times. i just was never strong enough to say it back. and i*m still not. and i know it needs to be said. and i want so bad to say it. and i can*t… and it hurts so bad… it*s killing me inside to remain silent…
and i miss him so much even though he isn*t gone yet. what*s it going to feel like when he finally does leave? i don*t think i want to find out…

June 14, 2001

ever get that feeling that something is about to go wrong but you just can*t put your finger on it?
…yeah

June 12, 2001

i feel so trapped…

he said it wasn*t goodbye…

June 10, 2001

i said goodbye to bill today. one of the hardest thing*s i*ve ever done. i hate saying goodbye… but he said it wasn*t… he said he*ll be back… eventually…
so i drove out to rocky point last night. a bunch of us stayed the night at aaron*s, kinda a farewell get together type thing. me and bill, and aaron, and lovely, and johnny o, and dan, and two other girls who stopped by then left.
and i feel so horrible. because i don*t want him to leave… i am going to miss him so much, i already do and he*s not even gone yet, but at the same time i know this is best for him so i want him to go…
we spent the night together. in eachothers arms, lying in bed and crying and talking and holding eachother… he gave me his ramones shirt. the one he wears every day and loves more than anything. to remember him he said. although i don*t think i*ll need anything to help me remember him, the memories and feelings are so clear and vivid… and then today we said goodbye. and i got on my train, and it took every ounce of strength i had not to cry again… but even that wasn*t enough. it just hurt
s so much… and i want more than anything for him to be okay…
and bill, if you ever manage to read this…
dandelion, i love you..

british boys & the belmont stakes

June 9, 2001

every year i go to belmont park for the third race of the triple crown. and every year i meet really great people. and every year i win my bets. and i always have a great time.
i got there at about 10:30am (insanely early, yes, i know. post time wasn*t until 6:04pm) to get a good spot on the rail. so i layed out trying to get a “tan” for eight hours (not smart) and wound up with the world*s worst sunburn. i can*t move now. hahaha.
but i met these really awesome guys from london. douglas and paul. and we were talkin about the horses and i was like ‘yeah point given is gonna win it’ so they went and placed some bets since i*m not old enough, and sure enough, we won. it*s like a huge party on belmont day. more fun than you could imagine…
but now i*m going to do something i don*t think i can do… i*m on my way to bill and aaron*s to say goodbye… and i don*t know if i*ll be able to…

…but the cat came back, the very next day, she just couldn*t stay away…

June 7, 2001

does anyone else know that song?? from some silly canadian cartoon with a cat.
yea.
so my cat came back. i have a cat now. i*m happy. i named her (i think it*s a her) corey.
i went riding today. rob picked me up from school (two more days!!) and we drove to the barn. back to work i went. i don*t start working there for another 10 days or so but because they were short on horses//trail guides i got to ride for free today in return i had to push the trail. but that*s fun. so i got fun + free riding. good deal. i didn*t get to ride my baby Motown because some stupid f*ing guy (i want to break his leg so he can*t ride anymore hahah) is splitboarding him. fuck. but i rode Allman instead (all the horses at my barn are named after rock stars//bands//songs cool huh?) because my mom is splitboarding him and he has been behaving really badly lately so basically i hadda ride him and get all the bucks and shit outta him and smack him around a bit and teach him that he can*t get away with pullin that shit anymore. ha. and by the time we got back to the barn he was an ange
l. a whole winter*s worth of people riding him and horribly screwing up his training and it took me less than an hour to fix. i*m happy.
then we came back to my house. and me and rob sat outside and talked and smoked cigarettes for like three hours. it was beautiful. clear sky, perfect temperature… long island trees and all that stuff. then my cat came back. and then rob kissed me… and… i don*t know… it*s rob.. he*s such a great guy and all, but, i don*t know if i feel that way about him. maybe i do. maybe i*m just scared. maybe i don*t. i don*t know. i*m fucking confused. i hate boys.