Archive for September, 2001


September 19, 2001

it*s billy*s birthday!
he is 18.
i love him. =D


man oh man

September 18, 2001

ali and aaron broke up again… they both love eachother so much but need like marriage counselling or something and i feel so bad for them because they*re both fucking miserable as all hell and i feel guilty for being happy because of bill and i just want them to work this all out cause it*s not gonna be the same without ali around…

punk rock love.

September 18, 2001

so i was at bill*s this weekend… he has a car. it*s some 80*s chevy celebrity and it*s awesome as all hell but it had been sitting in his driveway for four months and the battery was dead so we jumped it from my car and got it running and then i took him to auto barn and i bought us some armorall and leather cleaner and he had soap and windex at his house and a shop vac and we cleaned our cars out and washed our cars together and it was so cheesy and it was fun and i love him so much!
i*m tired. i know that post made no sense.
fuck you.

even better.

September 16, 2001

adding to the last entry about the great sex i had, well last night was even better… i know nobody wants to know but i must brag about my talented boyfriend… hah. so if yer not wanting to hear this just skip to the next paragraph. i came 5 times in a half an hour. daaaaamn. i love that boy. heh.
okay so now im done being overly explicit about me and bill*s love life. i*m here at his house now, he*s playing tony hawk 2 and i*m sick cause my allergies are acting up. shitty. but whatever. ali and aaron broke up again. i don*t know what to do for them. i feel so bad cause they love eachother so much but just need to learn how to handle eachother… they need like marriage counselling or something…
so i read this journal bill kept while he was at hope for youth. he wrote to me every night and saved it for me to read. it was absolutely beautiful. and i just can*t wait till the day when we will be able to spend the rest of our lives together without having to worry about being apart… emo.
yeah… what else… i*m cold… bill*s smoking a lot again. i*m really disappointed in him.. he
was down from two packs a day to two cigarettes a day and while he was in HFY he didn*t smoke for six days… and now he*s back to like two packs a day. and it*s fucking ridiculous. i refuse to watch him destroy himself… i don*t want to listen to his lungs collapsing every night while we fall asleep, i don*t want to see him in the emergency room with tubes all over him again… but he doesn*t stop… he*s gotta do it for himself. i care so much about him but it just seems he doesn*t care about him… i hate boys. i love bill. what is the matter with me??
eh, well i*m gonna go try and have some more of that good sex while i can… cause i*m not gonna see bill till wednesday (his birthday)… man i*m fucking spoiled…

i just had goooooood sex.

September 15, 2001

and you didn*t.
i*m at aaron*s with bill as usual. he took me out to dinner tonight. he paid for everything. he even drove us there. it was my car, but it*s still the thought that counts. he*s da beeeesssst. i am so in love. bah. im so cheesy. i duno. kinda buzzed, very happy, ima go snuggle wif billay now.


September 14, 2001

im goin to bill*s now!!!

birthday shopping for bill.

September 13, 2001

my mother and i went out today and went birthday shopping. she bought him a really nice present, something i know he*ll love. i went to a bunch of different store and bought him tons of stuff, including something from the home depot (ha), and i*ve still got more ideas in mind. but i can*t say what it is i*ve gotten him incase he reads this… but all i know is i*m really excited about his birthday (wednesday, the 19th) because i wanna see the smile on his face and cause he*s gonna be 18… i am having such a hard time not being able to give him his presents already. arg.
oh yeah, haha my mom bought me some sexy underwear “for his birthday *wink wink*” she said. man my mother is fucking awesome.

letter from bill.

September 13, 2001

i woke up this morning to find the letter bill wrote me from hope for youth sitting on my dining room table… the letter is as follows:
Fri 9-07-01
Hey Love,
hey babe. how are you? im ok. I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!! i dont know. this place is ok. tonite is my second nite here, and its 10:30pm. they usually make us go to bed at 9:00, but its friday night so…
i dont know. i have court on the 12th (thats wedensday i think). im just upset i cant have any other contact other than mail. hell you may get this and ill be home, but i need something to pass the time. i have a countdown set up. i got a new package of socks and every dya i change them, so it shows how many nights i have left. 5 including tonight. but i dont know .i get up at 8:00am! can you believe it???! i dont know… i have a picture of you (my mom gave me the one we gave her cause i dont wanna ruin mine) the little red poo-chi, your pants, and the toothbrush that you got me. all i think about is you. you’re whats getting me through this. i NEED you to write to me. i dont have anything else to do anyhow. i
get up, eat breakfast, go to class (its a bullshit class), eat lunch, go to class, sit around, then dinner, chores, and sitting around again, then sleep.
i think about you every 2 minutes babydoll. im just doing everything right so i can come home. but id rather think of it as the next time im gonna see you. not too long. not too long. well, im showering twice a day (hahahah :D) i never that id say that. I MISS YOU!! billy <3’s ainsley.
i had to sneak this pen cause all they gave me was a pencil and i hate pencils.
i dont know. its non-secure detention, really just a scheduled day in a house i can’t leave. but as soon as i get out we’re going out on a date. and my mom is being nice FINALLY! i dont know. i hope this all works out. the judge told me he would let me go home wednesday if he got a good report from this place and ill probably have a lot of hours of community service, but… i’ll do it. i just want to have my life you with.
i guess tell your mom that i went to a teen house place. i dont know i just dont want her to hate me. we’ll tell her one day.
all i care about is seeing, hearing, and feeling you again. and i want a cigarette… bastards dont let me smoke… haha… thats what i get though
baby baby baby. i look at the dog and i get all teary-eyes cause i miss you. i wanna cry. but it’ll all be over in 4 pairs of socks. 🙂
ive been reading and watching b.e.t. cause all the kids here are all thugged-out, except fer george, but im gonna see you soon. write me soon. god. I LOVE YOU tell aaron ill talk to him when i get out. johnny too.
your boy,
billy beer
dandelion ains… (he drew a picture of a dandelion too. anyone who read Smack will know what that means)
so of course after readin this all i wanted to do is cry because he makes me so happy and i love him so much and all i want is to never be away from him again…

you make me sick.

September 12, 2001

i didn*t go to school today on account of yesterday*s events and me needing time to grieve…
but yesterday, i was in school and i overheard two girls talking about what happened… the conversation follows word for fucking word.
girlOne: yeah, they had a bunch of different targets.
girlTwo: did they actually get any of them?
girlOne: yep. they hit them all.
girlTwo: ohmygod they hit the MALL too?!?!
that made me want to puke probably moreso than the actual incidient.

ironic. kinda.

September 12, 2001

so i go into work today just because, and i*m developing pictures like always, and outta nowhere i turn around for a second and i see some pictures come outta the machine and they*re of the WTC and i*m like “hey wait those shouldn*t be there” and i stopped to look at the pictures and they were absolutely beautiful. so i showed my bosses and we all printed a set for ourselves to keep… it was really sad… cause it*s just like. well, they*re gone now…