i don*t know why i even brought it up… but i did… last night on the phone with bill my sleeping pills were kicking in thus i started talking like a moron and i said some things that i guess i shouldn*t have said… of course it*s been on my mind ever since he came back from arkansas if i had any thing to do with that… if even a little tiny bit of his decision to come back was based on the fact that he missed me. yes it sounds selfish but i don*t care. so i brought that up to him. i told him that it made me feel like absolute shit to always hear him telling people he came back because he waws bored with getting fucked up every day and knew he had to straighten out his life. perfectly good reasons. but never once have i heard him mention to anyone (including to me) that part of the reason he came back was because he missed me. because i missed him like fucking hell. and what*s worse is when i brought this up to him, he didn*t say anything that would confirm it. he still wouldn*t say that a little bit of him coming back had to do with me. and that fucking hurt like you can*t imagine. but, instead of dragging it
on into what would have probably become a fight, i said i had to go and i just went to sleep. i know i know i know it sounds like i*m a selfcentered bitch and i probably am but i don*t care, all i know is that when i asked him about this he still didn*t say that missing me had anything to do with it. so i know now that it didn*t. at all. i know he loves me just as much as i love him, but, it would have been nice to know that he missed me as much as i missed him… i*m babbling. again. and again i can*t put into words what i*m thinking so i did my best to try and bill*s probably going to read this and we*re prolly gonna end up on the phone with my crying like a baby. but whatever. fuck it. i just needed to get it out.

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