ugh

so bill just got here. i picked him up from the train station at 9pm and he tells me we*re going to myk*s house to hang out. well fine. he can. but i don*t want to. because whenever we go there we get in a horrible fight and he gets shitface drunk. not my idea of a fun night. plus the fact that bom used to be a good friend of mine and now that bill*s here, well, we barely even say hi to eachother, they*re all bestfuckingfriends and shit. to top it off bom*s girlfriend, my friend brittany, bill told her that i “resent” her or something because she hooked up with bill the night me and him met and i made it clear i liked him (back in february). i don*t care. i ❤ brit. but bill told her that and well now i just feel fucking uncomfortable around all of them. so whatever. i drove him there because if he didn*t go hang out with his friends he would have gotten pissy. i told him to call me when he needed a ride home which he will probably do around 2-3am if he even calls at all. like, i duno, it*s just fucking ridiculous that i never see my friends anymore because bill always wants to see “his” friends. i barel
y even have fucking friends anymore because i don*t see//talk to anyone other than bill. and the fact that he +hates+ all my friends really doesn*t help. he hates alana, my best friend of 10 years. lauren who i*ve known since kindergarten, chris valli who i used to go out and have such a great time with… the only friends of mine he actually likes are joi and lauren because when he met them they were drunk. it*s just fucking ridiculous. we hardly never do anything i want to do. we*re always with his friends. and he asks me why i don*t have fun and why i*m quiet. it*s because i don*t feel as fucking comfortable around them as he does. i don*t know. i*m just angry. it seems he always wants to hang out with me + someone else. i know it*s not true, but it hurts and i*m just mad. he wasn*t even here for an hour before he fucking makes me drive him to valley stream so he can go get fucking drunk off his ass with bom. give me a fucking break.

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burping fish?

for some odd reason, the two biggest fish in my tank and only those two fish (red fish and blue fish) keep going up to the top of the water and sucking it in then they are going back down and doing that thing fish do with their lips but they*re doing it really fast and then they burp up the bubbles. what the fuck are they doing?

yes, i am the world*s biggest wuss…

so in gym class today our teacher was absent, so we had the other one subbing. he*s the coolest gym teacher ever. anyway, last year our school got this awesome rock climbing wall installed in the gym. it*s not a real one it*s mad ghetto so don*t think i go to like a yuppie school or anything. but. whatever. so today we got to climb the wall. there are only 5 other kids in my gym class. all of them made it to the top of the wall. i*m soo petrified of heights but i figured i*d give it a shot anyway. so when you climb you have to take a sharpie with you and if you reach the top of the gym you can sign your name on the wall. well, i started climbing up the ladder to get onto the wall… and i got to the top of the ladder and freaked out because i got really really scared and i had a panic attack and signed my initials on the top of the LADDER and got my ass down asap.
but.
whatever.
better luck next time…

wow.

so i went down to the guidance department at school today to give my guidance counselor mr. caramore stamps so they can mail my college applications, and he told me that he nominated me for a $10,000 per year scholarship to Polytechnic University. which is like my #3 school besides NYU and Drexel. and i was just like. whoa. so now my applications are done and all i have to do is sit back and see where i get accepted to, and who wants to give me the most money….

may he rest in peace

i went to a wake today.
this guy i knew from when i lived in queens, richie, was killed in a motorcycle accident the day before thanksgiving.
i*ve known him since i was born. he was such a sweet guy. and young, too. early twenties… it was so horrible having to go there and see him lying in a casket… i kept expecting him to open his eyes and wake up or something… *shudders*
he will be deeply missed.

pps.

i*m a lot more angry than came across in those posts. i guess i was just bitching to much to get across how fucking pissed off and hurt i am… grrr…

rant ps.

oh yeah. and to top it off. whenever me and bill are going to be spending the night together, i have to (practically) cry and beg to get him to spend some alone time with me. it seems like he*s always wanting to go out and be around other people and not spend time with me. JUST me and him. i*m always the ONLY one who wants to do that….

rant rant rant.

so we just got back from the toxin*s show. bill played well as usual. he went on the patch a couple days ago but stopped becuase it was expired or something so he told me he would only smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes tonight… we were at the show and he wound up smoking basically everything that came his way and i got pissed like i always do becuase i care about him and i know how bad his lungs are and i know how sick he gets and he*s trying to quit. so we wound up getting into this fight which resulted in me getting pissed and walking out of the show to sit in my car for fucking two hours while i waited for bill to decide he was ready to leave so i could drive him home so he could have his “party” which is where he is now (in the other room) and i*m here fucking sitting on the computer bitching to livejournal because he*s too busy having fun to realise that something is wrong that i need to talk to him about and to actually care and want to talk about it. he said to me “you knew i was having a party. stop being a bitch and go have some fun” well bill it*s not that fucking easy when you*re upset like i am right now an
d the person you love more than anything in the fucking world doesn*t fucking care. but what i*m upset about has been bothering me for a long time. i just never realised it until tonight at the show… bill payed fucking no attention to me whatsoever, as if i didn*t fucking exist, until i made it abundantly clear that something was bothering me. then he noticed. but basically what was bothering and still is bothering me is that whenever we*re in a public place//situation with a group of people, i have to pratically beg him to even hold my hand. he won*t kiss me unless i beg him…. and it makes me feel fucking worthless. like i don*t matter. he only gets snuggly and cute when no one is around to see it but as soon as people show up, i get the fucking cold shoulder. and i*m fucking sick as hell of it.

hmm…

my mom told me that the turkey that bush “pardoned” like they do every year, when he went to pet it, it bit him. how fucking cool is that?

happy fucking thanksgiving.

bill showed up eventually and after a big fight. we woke up today and watched like 10 minutes of the parade and then went back to sleep. woke up again. i cooked. me and my mom made this awesome huge fucking dinner. first time ever. so that was suprising. anyways. my mom made a turkey outta an apple and grapes and raisins and toothpicks. she*s weird but i love her. then uhh… i made cookies. weird. i was all like martha stewart-y for a day. after, i fell asleep while bill played grand theft auto 3. gee what a fun day………..