rant rant rant.

so we just got back from the toxin*s show. bill played well as usual. he went on the patch a couple days ago but stopped becuase it was expired or something so he told me he would only smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes tonight… we were at the show and he wound up smoking basically everything that came his way and i got pissed like i always do becuase i care about him and i know how bad his lungs are and i know how sick he gets and he*s trying to quit. so we wound up getting into this fight which resulted in me getting pissed and walking out of the show to sit in my car for fucking two hours while i waited for bill to decide he was ready to leave so i could drive him home so he could have his “party” which is where he is now (in the other room) and i*m here fucking sitting on the computer bitching to livejournal because he*s too busy having fun to realise that something is wrong that i need to talk to him about and to actually care and want to talk about it. he said to me “you knew i was having a party. stop being a bitch and go have some fun” well bill it*s not that fucking easy when you*re upset like i am right now an
d the person you love more than anything in the fucking world doesn*t fucking care. but what i*m upset about has been bothering me for a long time. i just never realised it until tonight at the show… bill payed fucking no attention to me whatsoever, as if i didn*t fucking exist, until i made it abundantly clear that something was bothering me. then he noticed. but basically what was bothering and still is bothering me is that whenever we*re in a public place//situation with a group of people, i have to pratically beg him to even hold my hand. he won*t kiss me unless i beg him…. and it makes me feel fucking worthless. like i don*t matter. he only gets snuggly and cute when no one is around to see it but as soon as people show up, i get the fucking cold shoulder. and i*m fucking sick as hell of it.

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