er…

scratch that last entry. =D

it happened

we broke up.

ouch.

i woke up this morning unable to move. right now i am in fucking excruciating pain. indescribable. four years ago a horse stepped on my spine (only 1/4 of the whole accident though) and since then i have had like the world*s worst back. good days and bad. it comes and it goes. but today is the worst it*s been in four years. and i can*t fucking move. i*m all out of pain killers and i*m like crying because it just feels like someone is punching me in the back as hard as they can while stabbing me with a knife every single time i move, and sometimes when i don*t…. i just want my back to stop hurting =( i wanna go lie down in the fetal position and cry and watch tv and go to sleep. anyway. so bill said he*d call last night and he never did but he does that occasionally so i*m not too worried. i*m supposed to go out there tonight after work but i duno if that*s gonna happen cause i gotta get in touch with him somehow. speaking of, i*m gonna go to work early and see if i can beg some pain killers from the pharmacy… grrr….

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just what i thought.

What FIGHT CLUB character are you?

karennnnn

i just got an im from this girl i used to be friends with karen who i +loved+ she is a total horse fanatic just like yers truley. i haven*t spoken to her in like three years i have no idea why. she just im*ed me out of no where and i*m sooo happy to hear from her again. roar.

this town ain*t big enough for the both of us…

okay i just had the first of (probably many more) panic attacks about moving to philly.
because of how rocky me and bill*s relationship has been lately, i*ve become more and more worried about what if we move to philly, and we break up, and i have to see him all the time? i know for a fact that if//when we do break up, seeing//talking to him will be so inrcedibly painfull i won*t be able to deal with it. ironically enough, *not* seeing//talking to him will be equally painful. thus my emotions hang in a disgustingly even balance. but all these “what if*s” got me thinking… “what if we move to philly, and we break up, and i have to see him… even worse, what if i have to see him with +another girl+” i simply don*t think i would be able to handle that. and i want more than anything for these situations to NOT happen, i can*t stop thinking about what if what if what if because that*s just the sick fuck that i am. i don*t know. i*d be fucking miserable. i don*t know what i*d to. what i should do. what there would be to do. becuase i know for 100% sure that i want and need him in m
y life. without him it just wouldn*t be worth getting out of bed. i love him so much more than words can describe, and it only gets better and better every day… each time i see//talk to him i fall more and more in love with him. but… what if something should happen? i*d be so incredibly hurt that i wouldn*t be able, emotionally, to deal with having him in my life yet at the same time not having him in my life (you know what i mean… friend, not a boyfriend) but i also wouldn*t be able to deal with not having him in my life at all… worser even, i +definitly+ wouldn*t be able to run into him with another girl or another girlfriend or something… so what happens now… what do i do… i have no fucking clue. i*m just so worried. what if we move to philly, we break up, and i have to come back to ny because i can*t handle it?? i don*t know, i*m like freaking out and i*m kinda afraid to talk to him about this because i don*t want to piss him off and have him think that i*m being controlling or manipulative or an emotionally-unstable bitch or something. i don*t know. i*m a mess. i just needed to get this out… hopefully, though, hopefull-fucking-ly, i won*t have to deal with this problem…

oh yeah, go me.

i have paid off more than half of my car loan. i am down from $3,000 to $1,400 and probably i will pay another $200 this weekend. which means it should be paid off a little after my birthday. which means that i can by the honda civic that i have been dreaming about lately and take both to philly with me and use the civic as a project car and hook the fucking shit up outta it. i*m excited. woot woot. but i will forever ❤ the g20. go G.

long weekend…

i don*t feel like typing it all because it*s way to much to get into let alone think about. whatever. friday me and bill got into this huge fucking fight, worst one ever, and i went to go see his new band ottentodder or however you spell it 15 minutes from my house but becasue i got bad directions from like 5 different people it took me over an hour and a half of getting lost beyond belief to get there at 1:30am. then we came back here and had an even worse fight and almost broke up (actually, i think we did break up for like 5 minutes or something…) and it was the scariest thing i*ve ever had come into contact with. losing the one person you care more about than fucking anything. but we*re good now. and saturday uhh we slept late for once then went to the collective meeting and lenny beat me at rock paper scissors so she gets to facilitate with conor at the next meeting. damn. then me and bill and aaron drove into the city so they and the doxies could practice at the funkadelic and somehow we got lost in bellview and it was odd. bill broke his muffler or manifold or something with all the shitty roads in the city. anyway. so sunday nothing much we just kinda did errands and whatnot. nothing exciting. uh.. lemme think… anything else? nope.

i*d like to thank all the little people who made this possible…

just kidding.
anyway. found out today, i won both Most Poetic and Most Artistic, and since you can only have one, i chose artistic since i am, and liz-be-an is now most poetic. she deserved it muchly more than me, she*s such a phoenominal writer. eh. bored. need sleep..
pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs. liz. you know what that*s about. everyone else, don*t bother.

bored.

i*m fucking bored.