this town ain*t big enough for the both of us…

okay i just had the first of (probably many more) panic attacks about moving to philly.
because of how rocky me and bill*s relationship has been lately, i*ve become more and more worried about what if we move to philly, and we break up, and i have to see him all the time? i know for a fact that if//when we do break up, seeing//talking to him will be so inrcedibly painfull i won*t be able to deal with it. ironically enough, *not* seeing//talking to him will be equally painful. thus my emotions hang in a disgustingly even balance. but all these “what if*s” got me thinking… “what if we move to philly, and we break up, and i have to see him… even worse, what if i have to see him with +another girl+” i simply don*t think i would be able to handle that. and i want more than anything for these situations to NOT happen, i can*t stop thinking about what if what if what if because that*s just the sick fuck that i am. i don*t know. i*d be fucking miserable. i don*t know what i*d to. what i should do. what there would be to do. becuase i know for 100% sure that i want and need him in m
y life. without him it just wouldn*t be worth getting out of bed. i love him so much more than words can describe, and it only gets better and better every day… each time i see//talk to him i fall more and more in love with him. but… what if something should happen? i*d be so incredibly hurt that i wouldn*t be able, emotionally, to deal with having him in my life yet at the same time not having him in my life (you know what i mean… friend, not a boyfriend) but i also wouldn*t be able to deal with not having him in my life at all… worser even, i +definitly+ wouldn*t be able to run into him with another girl or another girlfriend or something… so what happens now… what do i do… i have no fucking clue. i*m just so worried. what if we move to philly, we break up, and i have to come back to ny because i can*t handle it?? i don*t know, i*m like freaking out and i*m kinda afraid to talk to him about this because i don*t want to piss him off and have him think that i*m being controlling or manipulative or an emotionally-unstable bitch or something. i don*t know. i*m a mess. i just needed to get this out… hopefully, though, hopefull-fucking-ly, i won*t have to deal with this problem…

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