forget it, forget everything. i*m done.

well tuesday night he had called me and and we talked until like 2am and he made plans for us to hang out thursday night. the two of us. he*d come out here and you know, we*d just hang out. he said he wanted to… and i asked him if i should bother getting my hopes up and he said yes i definitly should, i should get my hopes way up. funny how i believed him. +again+. so he called yesterday to tell me that oh, well, he has band practice. but he did offer to come and pick me up since it was on the way to dennis*s. so i said okay. funny how he tell*s me i*m a really important person in his life and then proceeds to act like i don*t fucking exist. anyway we went to practice and then to the punkhouse and then to the diner with adam (i ❤ adam. he*s nice to me). and like, i don*t know, he wasn*t being mean to me or anything but i had a very clear feeling that my company wasn*t wanted. i just feel like such fucking shit whenever i hang out with him because everything i say he practically jumps down my throat. i just feel like fucking scum when we hang out now, everything i do is wrong, and like he*s got better
things to do. so we went back to his house and he got all upset that i wasn*t going to sleep in the bed with him b/c i crashed out on the couch so whatever we wound up falling asleep together like usual and cuddling and well i*m just so fucking numb that i didn*t care at all i didn*t feel anything. like, it just didn*t matter anymore. i guess it doesn*t. so we woke up this morning and he had to go to a dr*s appointment so i waited at his house and stuff and then he came back all fucking pissed off and hey bill i know you*re reading this so here goes. i*m sorry you have such a “horrible, miserable life” and that you*re +so+ depressed, but i have never fucking done a single thing to you other than fucking support you and be there for you and i really don*t fucking appreciate you taking out your anger and hostility on me like it just doesn*t matter. i don*t want to be your fucking emotional punching bag anymore. i said i*d always be there for you and you said you needed to know you had someone who loves you be there for you, but i don*t know if i can anymore because you are making it so incredibly difficult for me to be there for you like you asked and like i wanted to be. you*re pushing me away. lately it seems you*re only nice to me when it*s convenient for you. and that*s +not+ how friends treat eachother… band practice again tonight. it*s aaron*s birthday. happy birthday aaron. h
e*s having a party. when we were at bill*s, bill said he wanted me to go to aaron*s with him, and i definitly wanted to b/c i wanna see aaron and everyone, yet when we get to band practice he*s all eager to drop me off and get rid of me. and he did. i want to be at aaron*s right now and fucking have fun but my car*s broken and well, bill got rid of me. so, whatever. and i know he*s gonna read this and get fucking pissed at me but whatever bill. i*m sick of you telling me you want to hang out and then dicking out on me and fucking being really fucking mean to me when i did nothing to fucking hurt you at all and i*m just really fucking sick of all of this. so have fun at aaron*s tonight, do some fucking dope and don*t bother calling if you*re just gonna continue to fucking make me feel like shit.

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