Archive for February, 2002

another night.

February 23, 2002

i just got home from the rodeo. it was fun. i was in a bad mood. so it really wasn*t that much fun. whatever. only made me more depressed b/c i know i can*t ride anymore… and my back hurts like fucking hell and i need a backrub and oh i don*t have anyone to give me one anymore. but i*m going out now to get nikole we*re gonna go chill till god knows when. i just want to get the hell out of new york already. i can*t wait for philly.



February 23, 2002

so i*m watching animal planet because i have nothing better to do with my time right now and then i remembered that there is this +awesome+ zoo i drove by when i went to philly monday and then i got really sad because like, i don*t know, there were so many things that i wanted to do with bill and he just didn*t care. i wanted to go to tiny town and take pictures of the midgets, i wanted to take him horseback riding… and well if we were still together i would have wanted to go to that zoo in philly together when we get down there, but i know he wouldn*t because he*s changed how he thinks so much lately, he*d probably be like “no i don*t want to go because of how they treat the animals” first off you don*t know what they do and what they don*t do, you don*t work there. second off, fucking lighten up for a minute and have some fucking fun. and it made me sad b/c i know that he would never ever go there with me or do anything else because it*s not “pc” enough. i want someone who i can go and do fun things with =(

…and this is dain. he*s from dainmark. dammit i mean denmark! hahah. NO

February 23, 2002

i don*t know… i was talkin to dain online after bill ditched me and he was really upset so at like 1am i left to go get him and we went and got nikole and this girl kimmy (haha aaron this girl says she dated you when you guys were 14… wtf??) and we went to hang out for a while. the only place open was of course the brew (boo!) so we went and i ❤ nikole that girl is fucking nuts. funny how like a couple years ago me her joi diana and lauren were inseperable… and now out of all of them nikole is the only one who stood by my side through all the bullshit. and i love her indefinitly for that. but whatever. so we went to the brew and there were some funny old guys who were talkin to us and this rad black kid he was so cool. so they closed at 2 and we just drove around a bit then dropped off nikole and kim and me and dain went to the diner and that was about it. it*s 3:30am i just got home. i*m gonna go call gary.
oh yeah. cvs has this thing, every $25 you spend they keep track and send you $1 back in coupons good on +anything+ in the store. i got $16. so i have $16 worth of free +
anything+ and i have no idea what to spend it on cause i usually just steal everything anyway. haha. oh yeah, just to cover my butt, i +didn*t+ just write that… but anyone have suggestions as to what i waste this free money on??


February 23, 2002

i know that last entry was kinda harsh. i didn*t mean for it to be that badass sounding, i was just venting.

forget it, forget everything. i*m done.

February 22, 2002

well tuesday night he had called me and and we talked until like 2am and he made plans for us to hang out thursday night. the two of us. he*d come out here and you know, we*d just hang out. he said he wanted to… and i asked him if i should bother getting my hopes up and he said yes i definitly should, i should get my hopes way up. funny how i believed him. +again+. so he called yesterday to tell me that oh, well, he has band practice. but he did offer to come and pick me up since it was on the way to dennis*s. so i said okay. funny how he tell*s me i*m a really important person in his life and then proceeds to act like i don*t fucking exist. anyway we went to practice and then to the punkhouse and then to the diner with adam (i ❤ adam. he*s nice to me). and like, i don*t know, he wasn*t being mean to me or anything but i had a very clear feeling that my company wasn*t wanted. i just feel like such fucking shit whenever i hang out with him because everything i say he practically jumps down my throat. i just feel like fucking scum when we hang out now, everything i do is wrong, and like he*s got better
things to do. so we went back to his house and he got all upset that i wasn*t going to sleep in the bed with him b/c i crashed out on the couch so whatever we wound up falling asleep together like usual and cuddling and well i*m just so fucking numb that i didn*t care at all i didn*t feel anything. like, it just didn*t matter anymore. i guess it doesn*t. so we woke up this morning and he had to go to a dr*s appointment so i waited at his house and stuff and then he came back all fucking pissed off and hey bill i know you*re reading this so here goes. i*m sorry you have such a “horrible, miserable life” and that you*re +so+ depressed, but i have never fucking done a single thing to you other than fucking support you and be there for you and i really don*t fucking appreciate you taking out your anger and hostility on me like it just doesn*t matter. i don*t want to be your fucking emotional punching bag anymore. i said i*d always be there for you and you said you needed to know you had someone who loves you be there for you, but i don*t know if i can anymore because you are making it so incredibly difficult for me to be there for you like you asked and like i wanted to be. you*re pushing me away. lately it seems you*re only nice to me when it*s convenient for you. and that*s +not+ how friends treat eachother… band practice again tonight. it*s aaron*s birthday. happy birthday aaron. h
e*s having a party. when we were at bill*s, bill said he wanted me to go to aaron*s with him, and i definitly wanted to b/c i wanna see aaron and everyone, yet when we get to band practice he*s all eager to drop me off and get rid of me. and he did. i want to be at aaron*s right now and fucking have fun but my car*s broken and well, bill got rid of me. so, whatever. and i know he*s gonna read this and get fucking pissed at me but whatever bill. i*m sick of you telling me you want to hang out and then dicking out on me and fucking being really fucking mean to me when i did nothing to fucking hurt you at all and i*m just really fucking sick of all of this. so have fun at aaron*s tonight, do some fucking dope and don*t bother calling if you*re just gonna continue to fucking make me feel like shit.

go me.

February 20, 2002

some guy emailed me today and told me he loved my work (html) and wants to hire me to do some freelance work. this week keeps getting better and better.

i*m mad smrt.

February 19, 2002

i decided i*m not going to post anymore about what happens day-to-day, just random little craps here and there. if anyone really cares that much just im me.
keeping on that idea…
todya i got a letter stating i recieved a $10,000 a year scholarship to Drexel. and that doesn*t include the FAFSA student aid or anything. go me.
**does booty dance**

blatz said it best

February 19, 2002

fuck new york, fuck new york, fuck new york yeah!
i*m moving to philly.
it*s decided.


February 18, 2002

i*m going to go shoot myself in the fucking head now.
goodnight everyone.

i want to fucking die

February 18, 2002

i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die I WANT TO FUCKING DIE