Archive for February, 2002

ps

February 17, 2002

who*s going to the slaughter & the dogs show tomorrow (today) at cbgb*s?

getting over bill…. ?

February 17, 2002

so i spoke to mikey again today and he*s all for us getting together. and part of me is actually considering it. i love bill and i*m totally not over him at all, but he*s just not giving me anything. he wants to be friends, zero effort. he said maybe there was a chance for us, well, i*d really like to know if there is or if it*s just bullshit. i need to know if there is any sort of a future for us, as friends, as a couple, as anything. as much as i*d like to, i just can*t fucking sit around waiting for him forever, but i really need to know if it*s worth it or not. he*s just being so ambiguous. and i*m getting no input at all. so maybe it*s time to move on? i need advice. i don*t want to but it looks as though he is forcing me to do so, to give up, to move on…

just got in.

February 16, 2002

it*s 1230. i just got in. early for a friday night. i went out at lke 7 and met up with john and dain(ish) at starbucks… we hung out there for a while and waited for christina. after she got there me and dain went over to nikole*s but she couldn*t come hang out so we just went to witch*s brew instead and whatnot. hung out there till about 1030… me john christina fabio dain… scooter was there like always haha he*s so cheesy. and i ran into vinny who i hadn*t seen in ages. this fucking guy kept hitting on me and i was just like uh yeah… weirdo. whatever. then me and christina got bored so we went to famingdale to fuck with mike cause he*s a jerk and we were the kind of mood that we wanted to fuck with people. so we all drove up there and rain was there with this guy that i was with for a couple weeks like two years ago and haha i can*t even remember his name now. woops. whatever. so we left there at like 1145 and it took me 15 minutes to get home which is strange because for the past ten years it*s taken 45 minutes to get home from there… i guess i drove a little +too+ fast for once. oh well. so we get
back to lynbrook at about 12 and i drove dain home but nobody was at his house and he was locked out so i hadda drive him back to nikole*s… and now i*m home. and i*m tired. i*m gonna go sleep now. i want to go to abc tomorrow to see caustic christ but i don*t know if i*m gonna bother since the past two shows they were supposed to play they never showed up… eh… whatever…

i give up.

February 15, 2002

bill–
you say that you want to be my friend and all this stuff, yet whenever i make an attempt to do the “friends” thing, i get shot down. i ask you if you want to hang out… you tell me “i don*t know” or you can*t or don*t want to. i ask you to call me so we can talk and you tell me you “don*t want to talk on the phone” well, i don*t know what else i can do to do the friends thing, it seems like every effort and every attempt i make gets shot down. so, if you want to be friends like you said and you want me to be in your life in some way shape or form, you make the effort. because i*m not going to anymore.

happy fucking valentines day

February 14, 2002

so i spoke to bill last night and he did wind up remembering we had plans. score one for the boy*s team. today really sucked so horribly. i had to walk around school and look at everybody being so fucking happy with all their fucking flowers their boyfriends got them. grrr. but then i saw mikey during lunch and we hung out for a while and drove around he finally got his mustang and we made plans to chill soon. i miss mikey. so. whatever. school sucked, but that*s nothing new. afterwards i came home, grabbed some shits, and drove to patchogue… got to bill*s… hung out there for maybe two hours. i gave him his valentine*s day present that i bought when we were still together. a fucking awesome computer printer. whatever. i didn*t have any use for it so i figure why not still give it to him, he needs it more than me. we had sex. again. =x i know i know, bad ainsley. whatever. but sex with bill is soooo good. anyway so then bill had school and we had to go to the punkhouse to pick up adam vargas so i just hung out there for an hour and a half. funny how i don*t hate going there anymore, i actually like it. b/c whenever we%
2Ad go there when we were together bill would be rude to me and ignore me and basically make me feel like i didn*t exist. but now, well, i don*t have to worry about that anymore. me and ron hung out and manny and everyone. we played punkrock robin hood and shot shishkabob pointy wooden stick thingys at this painting of a woman and a baby with a bb gun and it was actually a lot more fun that it sounds. manny made me a valentine. haha ❤ then uhh nikole came by it was cool to see her. then bill and adam came back and we hadda drive adam to ronkonkoma b/c he is going upstate to see christen i miss her. then well we came back to bill*s house and i left and i got home about 20 minutes ago. i don*t know. it went well. it was so good to see him and to hang out and spend time with him. i really miss him so much. like, seeing him and shit. i was completely fine with just hanging out but he told me he wasn*t. get over it. he made this choice he should be the one that*s fine with it, not me. but it was definitly good to see him… i don*t know when i*m gonna see him again, prolly not for a long time, but, whatever… i like the ramones too bill.

hmm…

February 13, 2002

so in my PIG class (participation in gov*t, i hate that class) we had to take this online survey thing today to determine our would-be political party and political ideology or something… i came up an anarchist in the green party. pretty true i guess.

February 13, 2002

so i*m talking to bill online right now and he*s not remembering that we made plans to hang out tomorrow or something and i*m so NOT going to bring it up and ugh i*m fucking disappointed. whatever. fuck it.

uh…

February 13, 2002

lenny just invited me to the punkhouse this saturday b/c it*s her and manny*s birthday and they*re having a party and i really wanna go but i*m afraid bill will be there and i don*t want him to get pissy at me so i don*t think i*m gonna. =(

ugh.

February 13, 2002

still no word from bill. we had made plans to hang out tomorrow but it looks like that*s not gonna happen cause he*s making it abundantly clear that he just doesn*t really care. so, whatever.
work kinda sucked, but that*s okay. i didn*t really do anything since liz was managing and she loves me. i played on the conveyer belt that goes from the basement to the upstairs for a while b/c i was bored and carlos kept pressing the switch and changing it*s direction on me and i*d wind up like falling down and all the trays would go sliding into me. kinda hurt but it was fun… eh. nothing really more to say.
i wanna hear from nyu.
and i*m gonna protest valentine*s day tomorrow by wearing all black and being a bitch (more than usual) anyone care to join me?

another.

February 13, 2002

i got an acceptance letter from Polytechnic University today. that leaves just Stevens and NYU that i haven*t heard from…
speaking of things i haven*t heard from…
three days ago bill told me to call him.
but he hasn*t been home.
so bill, you know when i am home and when i am not.
you call me.