you are invited…

You are cordially invited to celebrate my 18th birthday on April 20th at Chunky’s in Mineola with The Casualties and A Global Threat.
bring presents. (not really… but you can if you feel so inclined. ha.)
baked goods have been promised by friends, and from what i hear there +might+ be balloons and such.
click here for more info and go to shows:nyshows
i expect to see you all there 😉

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my mom is crazy.
she bought me an easter basket (wtf?)
and a TON of candy. that*s the good part.
easter = a wonderful excuse to get fat, guilt free.
go easter.

oh yeah

last night i had this dream that i had insomnia and couldn*t sleep and when i woke up i was really confused as to whether or not i had actually slept.
i dreamt i had insomnia.
hahaha god i*m fucking dumb.

you*ve waited two years to kiss me, please don*t say i love you.

story of the night:
me and gary were kissing, and the ball on my lip ring popped off and flew down my throat and i immediately thought i am NOT losing this thing and i started coughing it up and it worked and it flew outta my throat and it landed on the floor of c-squat and i got it back. woo.
hahaha how fucking funny is that??
so anyways. c-squat was okay. lots boys i ❤ were there. paulie, doug, ian, gay, pj & kleber (!!!), etc etc. so i was chillin outside before the show just waitin for whoever to show up, and fucking gary shows up. dude. that kid rocks. i haven*t seen him in like months b/c i was all with bill and shits and he lives in jersey and we*re both broke as hell and well ah man i hadn*t seen him in ages. i*ve known him like two years and that whole time he*s always had a little crush on me. well. he*s a cutie to say the least, and such an incredible sweet, sensitive, caring affectionate guy. so well one thing lead to another and he kissed me and we spent pretty much the entire night together. holding hands. emo kissing. it was good. he kept telling me how beautiful i am
and what a great person i am blah blah blah and then he gets serious and tells me that he wants to kidnap me and run away to california with me and he wants to seriously marry me and all this crazy stuff and he keeps sayin it “we are so meant to be together, i am going to marry you” and i*m like joking around “haha you so love me” and he*s like “yes, i do.” uhh way for me to be totally at a loss for words at that moment. and he kept telling me he wants to be my boyfriend but i really like not having a boyfriend not being with bill made me realize how much i like NOT being with bill and well i duno i just don*t want a long distance relationship or anything even though jersey isn*t that far. but gary*s planning on moving to philly around the same time i am moving and well, whatever happens happens. ya know? i duno. the show kinda sucked there were WAY too many people and after a couple hours i said fuck it and spent the rest of the night chillin outside with gary and whoever else happened to show up. so. not bad.
anyway, then my night gets shitty. i left to catch the subway to catch my train and i decided i had better take a cab b/c i didn*t wanna miss my train so i spent fucking money on a cab and i rush to penn station and they fucking changed the schedule since last week or something and the next train wasn*t until 2:55am. dude. pissed and a half. so i figure i*ll just take a 1:46 and have my mo
m pick me up in valley stream so she can drive me to my car. well. i ran into my ex from like two years ago, vic, in carusso*s and this other kid i ran into gave me $3 cause i was hungry so i got pizza. that was pointless. so. i took the train to vs and my mom drove me to my car and i get there and my fucking battery is dead. no reason why either. i didn*t leave my lights on, my doors were closed, it just up and died on me. so i hadda jump it and well eh it just sucked. the whole train//battery thing. but whatever. gary made me feel pretty, he made me feel like i mattered, like i wasn*t invisible. so to gary – thank you.
i*m fucking beat. i*m gonna go to sleep.

RaGEJaY: ha i hate ya!
Ainsley127: i*ll kill ya!
Ainsley127: hahaha fuck off and die
RaGEJaY: muhaha
Ainsley127: hahah yep.
RaGEJaY: ok good shit
RaGEJaY: ahhh yer the best
Ainsley127: xoxo see ya at c-squat gay
RaGEJaY: ha way to be dykish
Ainsley127: uh no
RaGEJaY: way to suck
RaGEJaY: muhahaha
Ainsley127: oh i love you.
RaGEJaY: i’ll seeya in 2 hours ya faggottttt
RaGEJaY: well thats funny, i hate you
Ainsley127: haha okay, dont die on the way
RaGEJaY: ha don’t get shot
Ainsley127: dont fall on a dick and suck it
RaGEJaY: too late
RaGEJaY: ew that was my dads
hahahahahah jay you*re so gay!!

stupid xtian.
my arm hurts.

perfect end to a perfect day.

i forgot to mention before…
bike riding around k-mart and trying to outrun (on a bike nontheness) the people that work there fucking rules.
yes.
so. just got home. 3am. good day. went to the brew like usual. fred came tonight. hehe. dain and christina and john and nikole and whatnot. berger showed up good to see him. that guy mike was there like always, he asked for my number. score. go me. i*m so shexy. all in all it wasn*t the best brew night but it was still cool like always. afterwards me and dainish went back to nikole*s to chill and watch movies and shits. xtian came over at like midnight or somethin. he proceeded to kick both mine and her asses. i forgot how much fun playfighting was. whoo. workout. we wound up sitting around doing nothing and watching movies which ironically all had sandra bullock in them. odd… then some webcam fun. i*m so gonna get a webcam with my tax refund money. eh. what else. xtian gave me a KILLER backrub. i was dying
in so much pain all day and he totally made me feel better. a word of advice– nikole, don*t let him be the one that got away… anyway. good times to be had as usual. what a fucking great day. and c-squat tomorrow should only make this weekend even better.

exhaustion.

five finger discount.

it all started with a pillow…
i got this awesome pink fabric and so i made a pillow today but then i realized i didn*t have anything to stuff it with. so i went to target and they didn*t have anything. so then i went to k-mart.
i wow. i love k-mart. the one by my house is going out of business so i went there today.
everything is discounted and a half.
of course they had no stuffing for my pillow, but i wound up getting these two awesome fuzzy photo albums, one*s leopard and one*s zebra, and a $40 camera bag for $12. score.
then i went to work and picked up my check and i went with fred to see his mom at H&R Block and she did my taxes for me and
I AM GETTING $300!!!
woo. go refunds. rock.
so then me and fred went back to k-mart and i wound up buying this canon camera for like $70 that was origionally $100+ b/c well i just felt like it. hah. and i got a big stuffed unicorn for $3. then back to cvs. more free stuff there… stole a battery for my new camera, picked up some films, and finally spent those free $16 on stuff i will never use.
%0
D
all in all, great fucking day. and it*s only half over.

numbness does not equal hatred.

i*m sorry i said i didn*t feel anything anymore.
you know that*s not true.
despite everything has been done and said,
i will always love you.
you know that.
and i don*t know why you ever doubted it.
it*s just that i can*t allow myself to feel anything for you anymore, because you hurt me too much, the pain was too great. and so in order to move on, i just stopped allowing myself to feel anything. be it good or bad. i don*t feel that way about you anymore. but i also do not wish anything bad on you. i would never. i want only the best for you.
but i have had to stop caring in order to survive.

hm.

just spoke to bill.
and i can honestly say that i felt nothing.
i*ve become numb and i just don*t give a shit anymore.
damn it feels good.