i am in a pickle. like whoa.

okay so this entry is friends only b/c i don’t exactly want the whole world seeing it…
i have a very very big problem that i don’t know to handle.
and excuse me for sounding girly and highschoolish, but i haven’t liked a guy (like, seriously liked a guy to the degree where i would want to pursue a relationship) in over a year. and yes i am kinda excited/nervous/scared so bear with me while i sound childish…
on the 9th, i met a boy. then i met another. some of you may remember my previous post about going to an importfanatix meet in new york and on the way i stopped to pick up this guy…
so i’ll elaborate and fill in the details by goin back to that day.
i’m driving up to ny through jersey and i’m on route one about to get onto the turnpike. my cellphone rings. it’s a number i didn’t know, and i answered (which is something i usually don’t do) and the guy’s like hey it’s damien from ifx blah blah blah i can’t go to the meet tonight b/c i can’t take my car. so trying to be nice i offered to pick him up if
he could get a ride home, you know, again, something i don’t do, but i was just tryin to be polite… i figured, what’s the worst that could happen?
so i get to his shop to pick him up, he comes outside, and holy crap. this guy is gorgeous. seriously. most beautiful blue eyes i’ve ever seen. i think to myself ‘man i’m happy i answered that call… haha’
so we hung out for like an hour before he could leave work. it was busy though so we didn’t get to talk too much. then on the drive up to ny we talked the whole way but i was concentrating on driving b/c people in ny/nj drive like fools and i wanted to make sure baby was safe.
we get to sage and this other guy joel was there who i had been speaking to on the forums for a while. he was cute too, and he immediately ‘claims’ me so-to-speak. arm around the waist, not leavin my side, the whole bit. but it was sweet, cause he’s really nice and he’s cute and honestly i didn’t think i had a chance in the world with damien, so whatever.
we go inside after like an hour of chillin outside lookin at the cars and hanging out, and i go to sit down near damien so we could talk more, and joel cockblocked me (haha) by sitting down kinda far from damien and pulling the chair out for me. i sit, and the arm is back around me. but seriously, i thought i didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell so i said hey, what the hell, this guy seems great, i may as w
ell get to know him better.
after dinner we all went back out to the parking lot (and by we all i mean about 30+ people) to hang out some more in the negative 10* temperatures… so around midnight we all decided to split.
i gave damien a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek which is normal goodbye-saying in ny, and i didn’t realize till it was too late that he was aiming for somewhere other than my check if you all know what i’m sayin… i was kinda stunned to say the least. then, the same thing happened with joel. so of course i’m thinking to myself what the hell is going on…
saturday night rolls around, and it’s frank from ifx’s surprise birthday party. joel calls me up and wants to know if i wanna go with him. so of course i agree, and i had a really great time. after, they were all going out to a bar but i had wanted to go racing with some friends so we said our goodbyes. joel kissed me. i wasn’t expecting it. but i didn’t stop him either since i figured it was a no-go with damien.
sunday i’m back in philly and joel calls and says he had a really great time blah blah blah and wants to hang out again. i’m cool with that, but i can tell he’s kinda pushing for something to happen with “us” as in the terms of me+him=us. but i duno, cause seriously, i don’t wanna jump into anything… so i tried to disarm that timebomb as best as i could.
well. since frida
y, me and damien have been talking online a lot while we’re at work. he calls me about once a day just to say hey what’s up etc etc. i really enjoy talking to him. he’s awesome. i immediately felt comfortable with him which is very rare for me, especially with a guy i just met.
so of course, since we’ve been speaking a *lot*, i got excited about hey maybe i do have a chance with him…
yesterday evening (thursday), he calls me up and says that he’s going to be down in philly later that night b/c he has to give the kid who bought his s13 the title and whatnot… he asks if it would be all right if he stopped by my place for a little. i said sure that’d be fine with me…
he got here around 8pm. he was with his friend who had driven him down. oh my *god* did he look good. (damien, not his friend, lol) i was tryin sooo hard not to be obvious b/c i’m scared of boys hurting my head so i just try as best as i can to not look like a jerk. so we hung out for like an hour, and it was a little weird since his friend was there and monica was there and it was just umm yeah the second time we had ever even met… whatever.
so they left at 9 to go drop off the title and i walked them downstairs and i’m thinking to myself ‘well that was fun, but oh well, he didn’t seem interested, fuck it…’
so i hug him goodbye expecting that to be the last of it, and he kisses me…
like, a *real* kiss.
an amazing kiss.
an incredible kiss.
i haven’t felt that in years..
after speaking with some of my friends, they all say ‘go for it, he’s obviously interested!’ b/c he if he’s real busy and won’t be around much that day he’ll call me or send me a pm on ifx to let me know. real considerate type stuff.
but here’s the problem:
joel really likes me.
i really like damien.
i’m too scared to make a move with damien because i don’t want to look silly/desperate/pathetic.
i’m too unconfident in myself to realize whether or not there is a potential anything there with damien.
friday (the 23rd) there is another ifx meet in new york that i will be attending.
damien and joel will be there as well. yes, *both* of them.
joel doesn’t know i like damien.
damien doesn’t know joel’s diggin me…
what the HELL do i do??
i want to see what happens w/damien because i reaaaallly do like him, but at the same time, i don’t want to be a bitch to joel…
the problem is they both are members of the same forum so they do speak and they have met and they’re usually at all the same events…
so IF anything happens with either of them, it’s gonna be really awkward for me to be around the both of them…
does that make any sense?
i wanna see damien again before the 23rd, but i’m t
oo lame-o to actually tell him that…
i guess only time will figure this one out, but until then,
what do you guys suggest i do so that 1) i don’t hurt joel and make myself look like a horrible bitch, and 2) i have a chance with damien…


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