man i just had such an awesome weekend/shitty weekend/i don’t know weekend.
i’ve been away for a while, yes i realize this. lately it’s been the case that i haven’t been staying home much, staying over at a friends house is just so much more comforting than staying here…
wednesday, took my accounting midterm, i don’t really care if i did well or not since i got 100 on my last one (yeah i know, i don’t have the slightest clue how i pulled that off either). that night i went out with john for a bit to get some pictures of him fire spinning, tony was manning the camera and got some really cool shots. came back to my place, studied (by studying i mean picking up my notebook and deciding that even that itself was too much work so instead i gave up and watched tv) for my economics midterm with the world’s worst professor (she’s not even a professor, she’s a TA, she doesn’t speak english, she confuses her words all the time so she makes no sense at all, and is constantly teaching us things that are wrong. sometimes we can catch the mistake and point it out to her
but often it goes unnoticed then we all fail our exams. average grade for my class? somewhere around 32…)
thursday afternoon/eveningish a friend of mine whose name will not be mentioned for the rest of my journal entries as he has asked for some god only knows why reason that i not mention his name. fuck if i know why, but whatever. the “Friend” had some cars to tune at this place in pennsyltucky (for the uneducated: the area between philly and pittsburgh that is so chock full o’hicks its like goddamn kentucky) and asked if i’d like to go with him. so i did. a bunch of people wound up coming along who weren’t supposed to be there in the first place but it made no difference to me as i had a really good time anyway. actually, i met this guy there that had seen me on the road while i was driving to beaverun back in like march and since i was waiting for my friends to catch up to me i had to drive like 45mph and i remember seeing him in his old civic too and i was like dude i was so embarrassed haha i had to wait for my friends i swear my car is a *little* faster than that :p but it was kinda cool, like, small fuckin world…
it rained like crazy all night.
then the “Friend” told me something that i can’t even begin to describe how it made me feel. at first i felt horrible, so horrible, for ruining something important in his life, but we talked and soon after it made me feel absolutely in
credible. it validated everything i had been feeling since practically the day i met him… i don’t know what it means, but it was amazing to hear.
driving back, somehow i don’t remember exactly how it came about but i stayed over. it’s such a wonderful feeling to fall asleep in the arms of someone who means that much to you and who supposedly feels the same way back. as much as me and bill said we loved each other during our relationship, i honestly just never felt that it was truly there. but with him, well, part of me really really wants to believe it, but i can’t allow myself to feel that vulnerable… as much as i love falling asleep in his arms i love waking up next to him just as much. and i hate waking up more than life itself. but with him, it doesn’t bother me.
the next morning, friday morning, we woke up, he walked me home then went to class while i came home to do laundry and clean and pack and whatnot since we were going to his house for the weekend. i got everything taken care of that i needed and we left philly around 4pm. his roommate came with us which was cool cause he’s a really cool guy to chill with too. got down to maryland relatively early friday evening with only some minor car troubles along the way.
met up with some of the “Friend”‘s friends, and me being how i am, i get really shy/quiet around people i’ve never met before… so of course, i’m being quiet and try
ing to give the “Friend” some space so he can see his friends who he hasn’t seen in ages and hang out and etc etc and well he winds up getting pissed off at me because i was ‘being a bitch’. i tried to explain that i wasn’t trying to be, i just get shy around new people and was trying to let him have his space, but i guess he didn’t see it that way… so things were really tense between us the rest of the day. i felt so guilty, so fucking guilty, because i can’t stand it when he’s angry at me, but i couldn’t help how i felt. i wasn’t trying to be a bitch or to be rude, i just am not a people-person unless i know them and am comfortable with them.
we went to go see AVP that night with some of his friends. the other night when i had stayed over earlier in the week, we had another slight argument because we were both still not telling each other honestly what we were feeling/thinking, and he told me that it was my turn to do the actions speak louder than words thing or something to that extent. so we’re watching the movie and sitting there not saying a word to each other and i’m absolutely *miserable* because i feel horrible but i don’t know what i can do to make it better… so i gather all my courage and reach over to hold his hand… and he pulled away. i don’t know if it was on purpose or just shitty timing on my part, but man did it make me feel even worse… i was tryin so hard not to cry. fuck,
even writing this right now i feel like shit. anyway. eventually, he reached over to hold my hand and we wound up cuddling and i was sooo happy. i knew he was still angry at me but it just feels so damn good to be close to him like that. he covered my eyes during every seen with those little spider-things cause he knows i have panic attacks when i see spiders. how sweet is that ❤
anyway.
after the movie we were all exhausted, so we dropped off his friends and went back to his place for the night. me and him shared the bed and his roommate slept on the floor. however, ironically enough, there was a spider next to his bed and i got really panicky and made him kill it and i don’t know if he did it on purpose but holy crap i had the biggest panic attack after he smushed it he turned around and put it *thisclose* to my face. it may have been an accident or he may have been trying to joke around i don’t know, either way, i wound up crying in a ball at the edge of his bed. he kept asking me to come to bed but because i was having a panic attack i couldn’t until i had calmed down which took a while and by then he was back to being angry with me… i just wish he could understand where i am coming from.
eventually i crawled out of my corner and laid down next to him and i was still pretty shaken up from the spider so i wanted to cuddle since i feel so safe when i’m with him, but he was ignoring me. i tried th
e going-out-on-a-limb thing that he had told me i should do again, i reached over and put my arm around him… he ignored me. maybe he was sleeping? so i tried again a few minutes later. same response. finally i said fuck it and rolled over and went to sleep horribly upset.
the next morning he had to do some work on his car to get it to pass emissions, and he never even woke me up so i could help. needless to say i was pretty upset about that too. later he said that he had just wanted me to be able to get some sleep and didn’t want to wake me, which was so incredibly considerate of him, but it was still a shitty feeling for me.
i wound up writing him this letter trying to explain my behavior the past few days and whatnot, and i gave it to him, but since we didn’t get any alone time the whole weekend, it’s 1138pm sunday night and i still don’t think he’s read it. i don’t even know if he will. it’d be cool if he would read this though, because so far i feel like i’m able to put into words how i am feeling pretty well… i know he used to read my LJ but i’m not sure if he does anymore so this is kinda a shot in the dark, more so just me needing somewhere to vent than anything else…
friday afternoon he had a bbq and cooked some great food and i had a good time since i had met some of the guys the day before i felt a *little* more comfortable, which i hoped he noticed but most likely didn’t. a
fter the bbq we took the DC subway which i had never been on before to this mall just to walk around and hang out and whatnot. it was fun. i still felt pretty left out though and tried to not get in the way… i had a good time but yeah, that shitty feeling still stuck with me.
friday night we drove back to philly, had some more car troubles along the way (surprisingly, it wasn’t my car!) and we (me, the “Friend”, and his roommate) didn’t get back to philly until pretty late and due to the horrible rain from the hurricane, the two of them were soaked to the bone. i was really hoping that he would invite me to stay over that night because i just wanted us to have some non-arguing alone-time but i didn’t want to say anything because i thought he was still pissed at me, plus i was scared he’d say no. so once we got back to the garage to drop off the cars i was preparing myself to walk home and i hear him say something to the roommate like ‘okay so we’ll go home, shower, order some food and watch a movie’ and then he says to me ‘is that okay?’ and i was like yeah that’s cool just call me tomorrow morning to wake me up if you need me to drive you to jersey (roommate had some car work to do there today, i will explain later) and he’s like ‘aren’t you staying over?’ and i was like uhh i didn’t think you wanted me to. but apparently he did and wheeee i was soooo happpyyyy cause man
i was SO upset from the weekend that i just really didn’t want to end it on bad terms and 😀
anyway. it was still raining pretty bad and i had the roommates rims in my backseat so i drove us all back to their place which isn’t in a bad area exactly but i was very nervous about leaving my car there overnight… i tried to hide my hey-this-car-is-semi-fast-come-steal-it stuff as best as i could but i was still a nervous wreck.
so we get to their place and i take a shower and i started to relax a little from the stress and i got into bed to read a book while he was gettin cleaned up and we put on a movie and started cuddling and well one thing lead to another and we hooked up and it was AMAZING because i had been wanting to do that forEVER and i was SO happy and he makes me so happy and it was everything i expected and wow.
afterwards we were pretty exhausted so we cuddled a bit and he fell asleep and of course i couldn’t sleep cause i was paranoid about my car and i accidentally woke him up when i heard a car outside and got up to check on mine (even though i have an alarm i was still paranoid for some reason) and he got pissy at me and then for some reason he didn’t want to cuddle anymore which is weird as hell because usually he *always* wants to cuddle which i LOVE so of course i start thinking that he’s angry at me and/or doesn’t want to cuddle because we hooked up and i don’t know, i guess
i was still feeling really upset/vulnerable and that was just the icing on the cake and wow it fucking hurt like crazy but i couldn’t say anything to him because maybe i am just overreacting…
this morning we woke up, on separate sides of the bed, which has never ever happened before, and i was pretty upset *again* over it because i couldn’t understand why all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be close. i still haven’t figured it out. it’s upsetting me pretty bad cause he is one of my best friends who i care about so much and i cherish his friendship amazing amounts and i just love being close to him…
so we wake up and get dressed and it’s like absolutely nothing happened the night before which is all well and good for me since i don’t want it to be awkward between us, but i realize that it’s LESS than before. like, he’s ignoring me. he never does that. so of course i start thinking that he feels weird about last night, so i get to thinking, and when i think i get quiet, and so yeah, we didn’t hang out at all today even though we spent the *entire* day together in jersey with his roomie. they were working on their cars. i offered to help a few times but he kept saying no, so i wound up just sitting there for almost 10 hours, barely saying a word…
we had some errands to run sporadically throughout the day and at one point we went for breakfast but because i am so fucking broke from the c
ar and owing hamid money for the motor (hamid you are a fucking lifesaver. seriously. remember why i always said we can’t get together because it ruins friendships? yea. this is why. i wouldn’t ever want for things to be that weird between us. you mean too much to me) so i didn’t get anything to eat even though i was starving like crazy. i just can’t afford to eat out. it’s money not well spent, so i just cut back on when i eat and where. so of course the “Friend” and the roommate both get on my case that i’m not eating and they keep telling me to let them pay for me but i can’t accept it because i am not used to having people pay for me and it really weirds me out like crazy. i’ve never had someone take care of me and buy me things and pay for my food before so it is a very very weird thing for me so of course i just felt too awkward to accept and so they got really angry at me that i wasn’t accepting their offer even though i really appreciated it so much and i wanted to, i just couldn’t. add some more to the “Friend”-being-angry-at-me scorecard…
moving on,
my car is starting to make more noises and the bad noises that were already there are getting worse. i haven’t gone over 3200 rpm since the beginning of april. my car doesn’t redline until 7500. i haven’t gone into boost in months. i fucking miss it. i have also come to the conclusion that if my car is going to wind up with
a hole in the block, i might as well enjoy fucking putting it there. that said, i am beating the CRAP out of the car. WOT, full boost, 6k+ rpm pulls… man it’s fucking fun. i miss it SO much. ironically it still pulls pretty hard all things considered. blown motor or not it’s still decently quick. i ❤ my car. driving home from jersey tonight reaffirmed that for me. driving hasn’t been fun at all these past few months because i am literally SCARED of my car. scared it will break, scared i won’t be able to fix it, etc etc. now, with 1,500 miles on it since the rod bearings were changed and probably a good 12,000 miles since the low oil pressure problem first developed, i kinda stopped caring. i think it’s ironic how when my car wouldn’t break for a while i’d get really paranoid that it would break, and now that it’s constantly broken i just don’t care anymore, and i trust it to STAY broken. hahaha. oh well. but yeah, i enjoyed my car for the first time in a very long time and i loved every single fucking minute of it. my god that thing is a beast.
anyway. we got back to philly around 1000pm…
we went our separate ways and that was that.
all in all i really did have an amazing weekend, i had so much fun hanging out with him and having him back in my life after a miserable 8month period where we didn’t speak at all. often times i caught myself looking at him and just smiling to myself b
ecause i was so glad for so many reasons. i feel bad though because i wish i could have been more social and more outgoing around his friends, i feel like i ruined the weekend for him. i just didn’t feel like i was wanted. i felt like an outsider. so i tried to become invisible. i feel so badly about that… but all the arguing and tension and me crying myself to sleep aside, i had a wonderful weekend, and i wish i could spend more time with him like that. “Friend”, if you’re reading this, thank you for everything. from the bottom of my heart.
i’m scared i won’t see him anymore. finals week is coming up quick as hell and we both are going to be very busy with studying and classes and work and whatnot. after finals, i’m moving. he is scheduled to graduate before i come back. i’m scared as shit that he will be gone when i get back. and by gone i mean GONE.
i am hoping that he reads this and will understand where i am coming from a little bit…
i am hoping that he reads this and understands how much his friendship means to me and how much i value our time together and how much i love being close with him.
i am hoping he reads this and doesn’t not ever want to see me again.
i am hoping he reads this.

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