by this time tomorrow, i’ll be back in new york…
i’m starting to get really scared. the motor hasn’t shown up yet, and honestly, i’m getting really worried if it will show up at all.
i would have liked to have had the parts ordered by now. i’m really starting to panic.
i’m scared i am going to have to drive it in the condition it is now, and i know it won’t make it.
i’m really really fucking scared and i don’t know what to do and i haven’t got a single fucking person to confide in.
why? read on and you’ll see why i have problems trusting people…
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it a bajillion more times.
i spent the whole day today, even though i really didn’t want to, thinking about how much he lied to me.
i tried so hard not to make the same mistakes i made last year, to make it better this time, to NOT have last year happen again.
i tried so hard to be honest with him, and with myself.
but i can only try so much, there’s only so much i can do

i started thinking, and honestly, it made me really angry.
he never appreciated one fucking thing i did for him
nothing, none of it
he used me.
i tried so hard, all the time, to make him happy
but i guess it was never good enough for him
i loved him so much.
i really did, with all my heart.
and when he told me he felt the same way,
i believed him.
i know i will always love him,
there will always be a place in my heart for him,
but i am never going to admit it again.
i just can’t.
it can’t always be me trying, and him just not appreciating any of it.
if he meant what he said, which by now i am pretty sure he didn’t, then he wouldn’t have completely disregarded me and written me off.
you don’t tell someone you love them, and then completely ignore them, and not even bother trying to fix a really fucked up situation that you started in the first place.
you don’t tell someone they are your best friend, and then only call/hang out when you need something, and completely ditch them the rest of the time
you don’t tell someone you care about them, and then constantly make them want to bash your head against a wall so that maybe you wouldn’t be so fucking blind.
you don’t promise me things if you have no intentions of following through on them…
don’t do those things unless you mean them,
and obviously, you didn’t.
there are so many times, thinking back on it, where i tried so hard, and i got absolutely nothing.
not that i wanted anything, but he never even noticed how hard i was trying…
he didn’t care two shits if i was alive or dead.
i don’t regret any of it.
i don’t regret telling him that i loved him when he first told me the same,
i don’t regret that night together.
i meant every single word i ever said.
i tried so hard, so fucking hard, not to fuck it up like i did last year…
the only thing i regret is being so fucking stupid that i couldn’t see through all of his shit in the first place.
it hurts me so bad to have to write this, to have to think this, and to have to say this
because i really, really don’t want to
i don’t want to be angry at him
i feel guilty as hell writing all of this…
i care about him so much
i would never want to hurt him
but there’s only so much i can tolerate.
the sad part is,
part of me wants to keep trying to make the friendship work
i hate having to live with “what ifs”…
what if i had tried just once more?
what if i had told him one more time?
what if… what if…
what if…
so as much as i don’t want to say it, i’m fucking done.
i really am.
have a nice life.
if for so
me god only knows why reason, you realize that i am right and that you fucked up bigtime, you know where to find me.
…but i won’t be waiting around forever.
ps, anne please stop reading my livejournal. thankyou.

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