yes or no?

i’m so torn up inside…
for once,
i simply don’t know what to do.
it’s so unlike me to be this way,
i never let my guard down,
i never let myself be vulnerable to this,
to anyone…
but i just don’t know what to do.
everyone says yes, i should go for it,
what have i got to lose?
that’s the problem…
i don’t know what i’ve got to lose
and one wrong move, and i will never know
i want so badly just to scream,
or maybe just to cry
just to let it all out
to say it all
but something is stopping me
i think it’s lack of motivation
no, that’s not it…
lack of hope?
lack of… of… trust
trust in myself?
but that’s not it either…
maybe it’s just a lack of lack.
maybe what i’m looking for is a difinitive answer
a silver lining
something to grasp onto to make this all concrete
some shred of hope
to solidify what i am feeling
that’s it.
lack or assurance, reassurance, something like that.
i just don’t know what to do.
i always have all the answers
this is such an odd feeling for me,
to be unsure of myself
it’s so unlike me…
it’s so very unsettling.
i wish i had a crystal ball to tell me which path i should chose,
to show me the ‘what ifs’ and how they’d play out
to guide me,
to show me which path i should take when i reach that fork
should i stay or should i go now
if i go there will be trouble
but if i stay there will be double
problem is, i’m not talking about geography here.
what should i do?
should i risk it?
should i risk the vulnerability? the security?
or should i just try something different for once?
should i lay my cards out on the table and hope to god that the house doesn’t take me?
should i make that extra effort?
should i go out on a limb?
…what if it can’t support my weight?
and i am scared of heights…
it’s just too beautiful.
it inspires me like none other.
i have too much respect for it
to risk causing it any amount of harm
by so recklessly climbing.
the view from the ground is lovely.
but it may be exponentially grander from within it’s branches…
but those odds are slim to n
even so, i’m being utterly incomprehensible right now
but that’s done on purpose
for if i made literal sense here,
then i wouldn’t be writing this in the first place as i would surely get the answers i am searching for
or perhaps, the answers i am afraid to hear…
i write this as i am sitting on the shore of redondo beach
it’s quiet here, it’s dark here
it’s comforting
no tourists around, no traffic
just me and the shore
…i envy the waves…
i’ve come so far
but i’ve made very little progress within
i just wish i had some reason to believe…
oh sure, there have been hints
but i need something solid
it’s been almost one year…
it was such a wonderful story…
i just pray that i don’t write the final chapter.

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