Archive for April, 2005

April 27, 2005

so i just wrote this *incredibly* long entry…
(took me half an hour to write, typing nonstop. and i type like a bajillion words a minute, you do the math)
and holy shit was it scary
basically it was me falling apart on paper, er, keyboard
about how sad i am.
like, deep down painful inside sad that doesn’t go away easily sad
and how wonderful my friends are for taking care of me
and for somehow being the parents i never had (sounds weird but shuttup it makes sense to me and if i took the time to explain it, it’d make sense to you too)
+ a little bit of me freaking out about the unknown
(and you know what unknown i am talking about
but please don’t post in a comment what that specific unknown is
cause that’d be really sucky for me. thanks)
so i edited it and now it’s a private entry meaning muahaha none of you fuckers will ever get to actually read it ❤


April 27, 2005

something’s wrong and i don’t know what it is…
wait, scratch that.
i know exactly what it is
but i’ll be damned if i’ll actually admit it.
i don’t know what’s been up with me lately…
maybe it’s the malnutrition taking it’s toll and playing with my head
maybe it’s the fact that four sleeping pills a night no longer do shit to me and i haven’t slept in forever…
it’s more like one long string of naps… sleep 45 minutes, wake up for 15, sleep 45, wake 15, repeat until the alarm goes off
ever seen fight club?
yeah, i’m starting to get to that point where the lack of sleep and being unhealthy is destroying me.
maybe it’s the fact that i am so fucking sick of pretending all the time
i wake up every morning
and i go outside to face philahellphia
which, if i remember correctly is the second most depressed city in the nation
(maybe that’s got something to do with it?)
and i put on this fake little fucking happy act
that everything is perfect,
that all is well with me, wit
h the world
and i’m cheery and nice and helpfull and always in a good mood
and i am fucking sick of it
i seriously just want to cry and cry and cry
i find myself actually doing that a lot lately
before i go to bed
when no one is awake to hear me
and that in itself makes me feel even worse
how pathetic am i?
i feel like i’m living a lie
i have this past that no one knows about
that i don’t talk about
that i’m most certainly not proud of
that i’m scared people will find out
because i have spent so long trying to overcome it
to put it in the past, literally
to become a better person
i’m not that girl anymore!
but she still existed at one point
and i hate pretending like she never did
i hate having to meet everyone’s expectations all the time
i’ve never once failed an exam
nope, never
i want to, just to see how it feels
i have a 3.78gpa
not because i honestly care,
i couldn’t care less
classes are boring as hell
they don’t challenge me at all
yet i find myself studying like crazy, just so i can maintain the norm
*my* norm
but it’s not my fucking norm
it’s what everyone else expects from me
who knows anymore…
i am talking out of my ass, and i’m cool with that
i just need to vent
Ai need to go out and actually have a life
i need to stop hiding in my room studying *all day long* and writing paper after paper just so i can stay ahead
my roommates go out all the time
to bars, shopping, anywhere they want
and i can’t even afford a cup of ramen noodles
and i’ll admit it
i’m so fucking jealous
i wish i could be that carefree
i wish i could go out and have fun
i wish i could just enjoy…
that’s probably what it is that’s bothering me so much
i’ve been living in poverty for so long that it’s really starting to affect me emotionally and physically
yes, i know, i have a great apartment, i’m clearly not suffering any severe medical afflictions from the lack of food (yet)
but it’ll happen.
oh, it’ll happen.
i can’t afford anything
patrick leaves me quarters whenever he visits so that i can afford to do laundry
that means the world to me
but in my fucked up head
my priorities are so out of whack
i will actually *willingly* spend my last pennies on someone else
just to see that person smile
because if i can make someone else happy,
then i’m happy.
and that’s the honest truth right there.
the worst part is, i know exactly why i’m so fucking broke
that FUCKING drain plug
if that hadn’t happened where would i
not here that’s for sure
i blame gary for all of this
because he couldn’t fucking take responsibility for it
and now it’s been over a year
and i still haven’t recovered (financially)
and it’s ruining me
i can’t afford to go out and have fun, that’s okay, i’ll live
but it’s to the point now where my decisions are ‘food or xyz?’
and xyz is always more important at the moment
so i’m babbling
and making absolutely no sense
and i’m seriosuly making myself nervous because this isn’t like me at all
or maybe it is
god fucking damnit
i just want someone to take me away and hold me and tell me everything will be okay and then for everything to actually *be* okay.
i’ve only been back here 5 weeks and i’m already so fucking miserable…
EDIT: ahh, the wonderful epiphany that comes from re-reading my livejournal entry after i’ve posted it
which is why i write in the first place
because i am a smart/clever girl
i can figure myself out
i just need to let it allll spill, then analyze 🙂
here’s my problem ladies and gentlemen:
i’m jewish
hahaha no seriously
the guilt is killing me, that’s what’s up
yes my situation sucks, yes i am desperately broke/poor and miserable
but the thing that is bothering me *ah-ha!%2
is how GOOD my friends are to me
how my boys take care of me and look after me
and make sure that i’m okay, when they know i wouldn’t be otherwise
j cooks me dinner and makes me eat all his healthy food
chris always offers to bring home food from his work
patrick treats me as if i was the queen of nissan,
buys me food and other things just to see me smile because he honestly cares
and my countless other friends who watch over me and protect me and do all the things that *parents* are supposed to but mine never have
so why does that bother me?
because i can’t stand charity/pity
even though i know they’re doing it out of their own good will
the fact that i am in such a miserable financial state that i couldn’t even afford a fucking piece of bazooka gum in return as a thank you bothers me deeper than i realized
i feel like i am taking advantage of my friends
i feel like they’re giving and giving and i’m taking and taking and i have nothing left to give in return.
now that i’ve figured myself out
(for today at least)
and i’ve probably successfully freaked out 99.9% of people reading this
i am going to call it a night…
back to good ol’ smiling ainsley 🙂
…for now :p
p.s. was that a fucking psychotic entry or what? haha
maybe i will delete this
tomorrow so no one sees what a crazie i actually am 😉

April 25, 2005

haven’t done a real, legit update in a while, and since i really should be writing a paper for my communications right now, i figure this is the perfect time…
but since of course i haven’t the slightest clue as to what’s gone on the past couple weeks, i’m just going to break it down into sections and try and discuss each to the fullest as my memory allows.
apartment: i’m finally starting to get settled in here, it’s a really nice place, very comfortable to live in. i haven’t finished unpacking (i’ve still got about 8 boxes or so in my room and in the livingroom that i haven’t bothered touching) because what’s the point? i’m just going to have to pack everything up again in a couple months anyway… i’ve had about 6 addresses this past year alone. i pick up and move every couple months. what’s the point to unpacking? i just live out of boxes now as if they were suitcases… i used to enjoy clutter, i always needed a lot of stuff around me, i liked having ‘stuff’ that reminded me of my friends and stuff i loved, but now i’m starting to be more minimalistic in that i am too damn tired to keep packing and unpacking so much crap that i really don’t need. and plus, my life is scattered all over the country. i’ve got crap in new york, philadelphia, stuff still in los angeles with anthony at my old apartment, stuff in phoenix… i am strangely jealous of people who are settled. part of me wants a house just so i can gather all of my belongings, my ‘life’, and have it all in one location where i know i won’t have to pack it all again in a few months… i’m just so sick of being nomadic, i want somewhere that i can honestly call ‘home’…
roommates: honestly, i was terrified of living with four other girls, five including myself. but they’re all incredibly wonderful and i couldn’t be happier. granted, maddy and i lived together a year ago and she was an incredible roommate, but adding three more girls really made me nervous. but as i said, they’re all wonderful and i am so grateful to be living with them. i am actually having a lot of fun, which is a suprise. emilie bought me a pizza for my birthday. yep, a whole pizza, all to myself. funny how well she knows me already 🙂 and nikki and chrissie are really interesting, sweet girls. i’m glad this is working out as well as it is, and i am very happy to be so fortunate.
classes: midterms are coming up this week, i should really be studying/writing papers, b
ut there will be time for that later considering i slept all day today and probably won’t fall asleep tonight until about 5am… i’m taking 20 credits this term, the maximum drexel allows. statistics, communications, marketing, organizational behavior (a psych class, i love psych) and business law. everything’s actually pretty interesting, i’m doing my best to do the work and study and keep up, so far it’s going ok. i’m hoping for A’s in everything, as usual, but preparing myself for B’s just in case. i’ll know where i stand after midterms… i’m a little nervous now but knowing me, they’ll come and go and i won’t give a shit at all.
car(S!!!): yes you are reading that correctly, that is carS, plural. my G has a friend now. a ’89 240SX SE. pignossseeee. 5spdddd. hatchback! w00t. i can’t wait to go pick her up, hopefully that’ll happen this weekend. thank you john!!!!!!! the G20 isn’t doing well, as usual. i can’t even drive it anymore because i can afford gas or oil, but not both. oh well. hence the arrival of the 240-non-oil-burning-87octane-using-beater. i am trying to gather the rest of the parts i need for the new motor build for the G, but i ran out of money a long time ago. then i still need to get the damn thing assembled. oh well. hopefully that’ll happen before summer is over but i sincerely doubt it. i feel guilty. i feel like i am negl
ecting her, or maybe like i’m abusing her. she’s suffering so much and there’s nothing i can do to make it better…
21st bithday/formula d/tha boyfriend: fun weekend, got to hang out with a lot of really great people who i hadn’t seen in a longggg time due to the entire continental united states being in the way. it was cold as hell, i was sick (allergies, you suck!), but overall it was fun. spent friday night in jersey with the boyfriend, had a lovely cuddle/sleep/hump fest, he makes me so happy. it always suprises me how much i miss him, when i see him again after weeks. and it also really really suprises me that i haven’t gotten bored with him, because usually i move on relatively quickly, but if anything, with him, i am getting *more* into him as time goes on. drove back to philly late saturday night, slept late sunday, went for steaks, then dropped him at the airport. i’m 21 now. yay. or something to that extent. it doesn’t even matter, i really don’t care at all about being ‘legal’.
this past weekend: was a lot of fun, patrick came down to visit friday night, we went to go see that new movie a lot like love, it was really cute, reminded me a lot of us, minus the whole sex thing. haha. hung out till late, i finally fell asleep around 5am, and at 9:30am i am woken by this horribly shrill, piercing, fucking obnoxious clanging/ringing sound, so i stumble out of bed into the living room, and stare at the ‘beer oclock’ clock on the wall making the hideous noise for about five minutes trying to figure out what the hell it was when maddy finally comes out of her room and is like, that’s the fire alarm jackass, get out of the building!’ so everyone kinda trickles out of the apartment building, (5 stories), and we’re all just standing on the street staring blankly at the building, confused as hell. after about 10-15 minutes, i realize that nobody’s showing up. no police, no fire department, nothing. i didn’t know if the building was actually on fire or not because i couldn’t see any smoke, but the damn alarm was still ringing and i wanted to go back to bed, so i called 911 to complain that my house was ringing or something and they eventually sent the fire department and it took about a half an hour to get it to shut up. there was no fire after all. i tried to go back to sleep but i couldn’t because i had such a bad headache from that damn alarm. ugh. so later on that day patrick wanted to go play the initial d arcade game at the neshaminy mall, so we went, and i wound up actually shopping. it was bad. but sooo good. for some reason there was an extra $100 in my bank account, so i figured, i haven’t bought new clothes in over a year, goddamn it i deserve it. i got 5 tops and some underwear for under 100 and i am so happy. but then i got home and i got really mad
at myself. like, how incredibly irresponsible am i to go out and spend a hundred dollars on fucking clothes that i really don’t even need but i can’t afford to buy food? goddamn my priorities are fucked up. and i am really *really* mad at myself… but at least i’ll look pretty tomorrow. *ugh*
fun quote from this weekend:
patrick hey maddy, while you’re up, can you get me some milk?
me just because she’s black doesn’t mean she’s your slave patrick
maddy i’m only half black! i got you the cake, but i ain’t gettin you the milk!
future plans: nhra at englishtown this weekend to cheer on garrett, hopefully picking up the 240, then who knows, then nhra at atco, then semaias.
there was a lot more i wanted to update about, but right now, i really can’t remember all of it… i’ve been too busy to remember much of anything…. blah.

April 23, 2005

reason #8213 why i love patrick:
he claims he’s not gay, yet he uses women’s Secret deoderant…

April 13, 2005

a person can only survive so long on boiled noodles alone…
i have placed myself into an involuntary experiment, and i’m now starting to see the results
it’s a malnourishment experiment, and it sucks.
i ran out of money a few weeks ago
as in, flat broke.
i’m in that awkward inbetween phase where my student loans have been approved but not yet dispersed.
i’ve been surviving for the past three weeks on one bowl of noodles per day.
that’s it.
and it’s finally taking it’s toll.
i feel like absolute shit.
i have no strength, energy, desire to be awake at all
i’ll be standing up, then just randomly fall down
i am getting horrible dizzy spells
i’m nautiously hungry, yet have no appetite
and now i’m starting to get sick 😦
so, i charged *some* groceries tonight in a desperate attempt to not impose an eating disorder upon myself.
and now i’m chugging down orange juice
eating coldeaze as if my life depended on it
vitamins, tylenol cold, extra sleep, etc etc
i refuse to b
e under the weather for this weekend!
does anyone have some tips/tricks that will help me beat this before it turns into a full-blown cold?

April 3, 2005

still loving working at garrett, even after i’m gone…
we had a race this weekend in west palm beach florida. i got a phone call after each and every pass from the race team to let me know how we were doing.
we won
and we set a new track record
it was so nice that they thought to include me like that since i couldn’t be there.
man i miss those guys like crazy…