something’s wrong and i don’t know what it is…
wait, scratch that.
i know exactly what it is
but i’ll be damned if i’ll actually admit it.
i don’t know what’s been up with me lately…
maybe it’s the malnutrition taking it’s toll and playing with my head
maybe it’s the fact that four sleeping pills a night no longer do shit to me and i haven’t slept in forever…
it’s more like one long string of naps… sleep 45 minutes, wake up for 15, sleep 45, wake 15, repeat until the alarm goes off
ever seen fight club?
yeah, i’m starting to get to that point where the lack of sleep and being unhealthy is destroying me.
maybe it’s the fact that i am so fucking sick of pretending all the time
i wake up every morning
and i go outside to face philahellphia
which, if i remember correctly is the second most depressed city in the nation
(maybe that’s got something to do with it?)
and i put on this fake little fucking happy act
that everything is perfect,
that all is well with me, wit
h the world
and i’m cheery and nice and helpfull and always in a good mood
and i am fucking sick of it
i seriously just want to cry and cry and cry
i find myself actually doing that a lot lately
before i go to bed
when no one is awake to hear me
and that in itself makes me feel even worse
how pathetic am i?
i feel like i’m living a lie
i have this past that no one knows about
that i don’t talk about
that i’m most certainly not proud of
that i’m scared people will find out
because i have spent so long trying to overcome it
to put it in the past, literally
to become a better person
i’m not that girl anymore!
but she still existed at one point
and i hate pretending like she never did
i hate having to meet everyone’s expectations all the time
i’ve never once failed an exam
nope, never
i want to, just to see how it feels
i have a 3.78gpa
not because i honestly care,
i couldn’t care less
classes are boring as hell
they don’t challenge me at all
yet i find myself studying like crazy, just so i can maintain the norm
*my* norm
but it’s not my fucking norm
it’s what everyone else expects from me
who knows anymore…
i am talking out of my ass, and i’m cool with that
i just need to vent
Ai need to go out and actually have a life
i need to stop hiding in my room studying *all day long* and writing paper after paper just so i can stay ahead
my roommates go out all the time
to bars, shopping, anywhere they want
and i can’t even afford a cup of ramen noodles
and i’ll admit it
i’m so fucking jealous
i wish i could be that carefree
i wish i could go out and have fun
i wish i could just enjoy…
that’s probably what it is that’s bothering me so much
i’ve been living in poverty for so long that it’s really starting to affect me emotionally and physically
yes, i know, i have a great apartment, i’m clearly not suffering any severe medical afflictions from the lack of food (yet)
but it’ll happen.
oh, it’ll happen.
i can’t afford anything
patrick leaves me quarters whenever he visits so that i can afford to do laundry
that means the world to me
but in my fucked up head
my priorities are so out of whack
i will actually *willingly* spend my last pennies on someone else
just to see that person smile
because if i can make someone else happy,
then i’m happy.
and that’s the honest truth right there.
the worst part is, i know exactly why i’m so fucking broke
that FUCKING drain plug
if that hadn’t happened where would i
not here that’s for sure
i blame gary for all of this
because he couldn’t fucking take responsibility for it
and now it’s been over a year
and i still haven’t recovered (financially)
and it’s ruining me
i can’t afford to go out and have fun, that’s okay, i’ll live
but it’s to the point now where my decisions are ‘food or xyz?’
and xyz is always more important at the moment
so i’m babbling
and making absolutely no sense
and i’m seriosuly making myself nervous because this isn’t like me at all
or maybe it is
god fucking damnit
i just want someone to take me away and hold me and tell me everything will be okay and then for everything to actually *be* okay.
i’ve only been back here 5 weeks and i’m already so fucking miserable…
EDIT: ahh, the wonderful epiphany that comes from re-reading my livejournal entry after i’ve posted it
which is why i write in the first place
because i am a smart/clever girl
i can figure myself out
i just need to let it allll spill, then analyze 🙂
here’s my problem ladies and gentlemen:
i’m jewish
hahaha no seriously
the guilt is killing me, that’s what’s up
yes my situation sucks, yes i am desperately broke/poor and miserable
but the thing that is bothering me *ah-ha!%2
is how GOOD my friends are to me
how my boys take care of me and look after me
and make sure that i’m okay, when they know i wouldn’t be otherwise
j cooks me dinner and makes me eat all his healthy food
chris always offers to bring home food from his work
patrick treats me as if i was the queen of nissan,
buys me food and other things just to see me smile because he honestly cares
and my countless other friends who watch over me and protect me and do all the things that *parents* are supposed to but mine never have
so why does that bother me?
because i can’t stand charity/pity
even though i know they’re doing it out of their own good will
the fact that i am in such a miserable financial state that i couldn’t even afford a fucking piece of bazooka gum in return as a thank you bothers me deeper than i realized
i feel like i am taking advantage of my friends
i feel like they’re giving and giving and i’m taking and taking and i have nothing left to give in return.
now that i’ve figured myself out
(for today at least)
and i’ve probably successfully freaked out 99.9% of people reading this
i am going to call it a night…
back to good ol’ smiling ainsley 🙂
…for now :p
p.s. was that a fucking psychotic entry or what? haha
maybe i will delete this
tomorrow so no one sees what a crazie i actually am 😉

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