day 2 of being erik’s wife again, woke up smiling this morning
smiling and slightly hung over
it was one of my roommate’s birthdays yesterday (they are all so incredibly awesome, i got really lucky this time. i genuinely like each of them) so we went to the cave to get drunk and watch nekkid men dance around. oh boy, what fun.
going riding in a few hours, can’t wait for that, then i’m heading up to ny to visit el madre and do some much-needed laundry for the weekend.
life is good when you’ve got a boy as wonderful as i do 🙂

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after two and a half weeks of hell,
we are back together
and i am 😀

what is it about me that attracts dsm owners?
i left philly friday after my lesson at 8pm and got on the turnpike heading north
(the lesson was awesome. i rode a different horse than last week, he wasn’t as good but i still had a lot of fun.)
a few miles into my trip, a white 1g with a muffler pulls up along side me
my first thought? great, another na car thinking it’s fast
then i see three letters on the back. g, s, x. i was wrong. niiiiice.
i roll down the window and give him the nod and a thumbs up hoping he won’t want to “go” since we were near a state trooper station
he heard my blow off and made this omgwtf face, then smiled and returned the thumbs up
downshift to fourth just for a few seconds, and he pulls up again laughing and smiling
it was fun 🙂
i pulled off a few miles later to get gas, and he followed.
wound up hanging out for like 45 minutes with him and his friend, they were pretty chill, really nice guys
hooray for random adventures
made it to ct around 1130pm that night,
spent the weekend with r
ob and vonnie just hanging out and doing not too much of anything since the weather was horrendous
sunday i woke up and it was monsoon’ing, so i sat around and waited for it to clear.
it didn’t, so i made a run for it around 1pm.
stopped for gas about 20 miles north of philly on the turnpike (again) and some guys in a uhaul rental van look over at me and smile
the guy driving complemented me on the car and asked if it was mine. i told him it was (of course) and we talked a little back and forth while waiting in line for gas (took like an hour, it was so crowded and the lines were so long, what gives?)
turns out he drives a 1g gsx as well! wtf is with this weekend?
as i go to pull up to the pump, he says to me “girl, i wish i met you three years ago…” to which i reply “oh? why’s that?” and he holds up his left hand and wiggles his fingers, showing off a wedding ring.
hah.
awesome.
talk about an ego boost…
oh, and on another note, i (by accident) destroyed any possible chance of getting back together with erik.
somebody please fucking put me out of my misery…

so i guess i should update about this past weekend before my memory starts to fail me…
he was supposed to come in friday night for my birthday.
we hadn’t spoke since i walked out on him sunday morning, and he on me.
marty told me he was still planning on coming up, so i was expecting him to call.
my riding lesson was cancelled due to rain,
john and i went to dinner at the olive garden in center city,
i got completely smashed while it was still daylight.
brilliant.
came home and went to sleep to wait for erik.
woke up, showered, cleaned up a bit, and waited.
his flight got in at 1am.
1:30am, no phone call.
2:00am, no phone call.
2:30am, no phone call.
i finally gave up and went to sleep a complete and total mess.
i had been hoping he would take a taxi and just show up, romantic, but he never did.
i had a feeling i should go to the airport just to see if he was there, but i didn’t.
the next morning (saturday) i woke up at 8am for no apparent reason.
no messages from him on the computer or
my phone, i was starting to worry since i hadn’t heard from him.
i checked his xanga, and found this…
I was greeted by the smell of urine as I stepped into the Philadelphia airport tonight.  How fitting, I suppose.  A sign, maybe?
This is the first time in more than a year and a half that I’m in the same city as her, but I probably will not see her.  She hasn’t talked to me since I walked out that Sunday morning.  She ignored me on her way past to her car.  Pretended like I was just some guy waiting in the foyer for something, some guy that didn’t seem worth talking to.
I keep looking for her car as I sit in the airport waiting for Dennis to pick me up.  I look at every vehicle that drives by and expect to hear the rumble of the exhaust and the blue tinge of cheap HIDs installed when she wasn’t looking.  It never comes, and Dennis calls, and I get in his truck and we go to the Residence inn.
It would’ve been nice to have our little tour guide this weekend.  But that probably won’t happen.  This weekend will come and go and I will be in Philadelphia and leave and go to Italy.  No sex, no cuddling, no time with her.  Well, maybe I will get laid, but I’d rather just sleep.  It’s been a while.
I really would like to spend her birthday with her.&
nbsp; I don’t have any presents, and I don’t have any money to buy them with, and I don’t even know what to get her.  But it would be nice.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, why I’m writing.  I think I’m writing just for the sake of writing.  I guess I should just go to sleep.
he had written it at 2:40am.
apparently he was expecting me to call, and i was expecting him…
like a heartbreaking scene out of a movie or something.
i gave in.
i called him.
he didn’t answer.
i waited ten minutes, figured he was asleep or something.
i tried again, no answer.
then i called the residence inn and asked if erik jacobs had checked in. he hadn’t.
i asked if dennis mertzanis had checked in
they connected me instead of just saying yes.
dennis answered, he put erik on.
the conversation wasn’t pretty.
it was cold, harsh, hostile even.
i asked if he wanted me to pick him up.
he said he did.
so i went to get him, he gave me a hug, it felt good, but it was definitly hard for me.
we went out to brunch with dennis and his fiancee susan
erik and i didn’t say a word to eachother, but we had fine conversation with everyone else.
after lunch, we drove back to my apartment.
we barely spoke, and when we did, the tone was harsh.
we finally got home, sat down
on the bed, and talked.
we talked about the same stuff as we had last week, except this time without the anger.
he isn’t ready to be in this relationship, he doesn’t feel he can give me the time/energy/devotion he feels he should and he feels i deserve
i don’t care, i want him anyway, i want to be with him regardless.
nothing changed, nothing got accomplished.
he tried not to kiss me, not to get close to me, he said it would be too hard for the both of us, it’d be wrong.
he gave in eventually 😉
we had amazing incredible sex
then dennis called, we got dressed, and we went down to center city to meet up with him and chang and one of their friends angie from atlanta who is going to culinary school in new york.
erik and i got there early, so we each had a pint of yuengling.
then the rest of the crew showed up, and went and sat for dinner.
this place, nodding head pub, was actually really good.
they brew their own beer and it’s amazing
their fries are the best in philly, incredible
the whole time though, erik was so wonderful to me
he treated me like his girlfriend, like nothing had changed
he held my hand and/or my leg the whole time, gave me kisses, snuggled.
it was so lovely.
after dinner, dennis and chang and angie left, and erik and i walked around center city a bit, then wound up at rittenhouse square.
we sat in the park for about an hour on a bench just cuddling and enjoying each other’s company.
then we went for a little drive up kelly drive
pulled into one of the carparks on the banks of the schuylkill river, talked, and had sex in the backseat of my car 😉
came back to the apartment, cuddled on the couch for a bit, then had even *more* amazing incredible sex.
it was unbelievable.
it was so passionate, so pure, so amazing.
he made me squirt around 27 times.
it lasted for hours
we finally went to sleep around 3:30-4:00am
woke up the next morning around 11am and of course, had even more sex, another 9 or 10 times squirting…
he’s incredible.
decided we wanted to get some breakfast,
so we took a shower (so much better than the last shower last week) and tried to find a restaurant
i had wanted ihop in the morning but by the time we crawled out of bed and out of the shower it was around 4 and i was in the mood for a steak (for some reason)
so we ended up going to the cheesecake factory at the king of prussia mall.
it was nice since it was easter sunday there really weren’t any people around, it was nice and quiet.
when we were seated, the waiter put us at one of the tables with a bench seat on one side and two chairs on the other.
erik sat down on the bench and asked me to sit next to him
we cudd
led throughout the entire dinner. kissed, held hands, played around a bit under the table, and just had the most amazingly romantic time together.
after dinner, we wanted to go see a movie, but had two hours until the showing, so we decided to take a nap in the car to kill time
apparently, i was pretty drunk and we talked a lot (big surprise)
i fell asleep, we woke up at 7:30pm and went to the movie
when i woke up though, erik was pretty upset with me over something i had apparently said right before i fell asleep
he wouldn’t tell me what it was though…
we saw Lucky Number Slevin and it was *really* good
when we first sat down, i figured, screw him, he won’t tell me why he’s mad so i am going to ignore him
that lasted all of five minutes
he leaned over and pulled me close to him and we cuddled and held hands the whole time
and he would give me little kisses on my head and smell my hair and oh… so lovely…
after the movie, we drove home (he was driving my G because he loves it and wants one of his own) and he told me what i had said
apparently, right before i had fallen asleep i had asked him to marry me.
he said “i can’t yet”
i got upset because i had proposed and i got shot down
he told me i didn’t get shot down, but he hadn’t said yes so i insisted i had.
i told him not to worry, that i was the first to sa
y i love you and the first to propose and i wouldn’t ever do that again.
he said *he* was the first to say i love you.
that night in atlanta over christmas at the ice cream place with marty…
(we were play fighting and erik slipped and said i love you. when i asked him what he had said he replied ‘nothing’ and i said no i heard it wtf did you say and he just said ‘france’. he wouldn’t own up to it, but he said it. he said it first. and he meant it.)
i said well that may be true but don’t worry i won’t ever propose to you again
his response? “why not? i might say yes one day…”
yeah, i cried.
we got home, wanted to get dessert, but everything was closed since it was easter.
we went to 711 and got a thing of ben and jerrys, came home, sat on the couch and ate it while watching monty python.
more sex before bedtime,
then cuddling and sweet sweet sleep.
woke up the next morning (monday, my 22nd birthday) and i went to class
class was cancelled.
i came home and convinced him that i had decided to spend the hour with him instead of going to class.
he got all upset i was missing out on school and i finally told him the real reason i was home
he kicked me out of the bedroom while he did some top secret work…
we cuddled, talked, and cried some more, then i drove him to the airport so he could fly to atla
nta then to italy for a week for work.
later that day, a huge bouquet of birthday flowers arrived.
there was a snap dragon in it.
at one point on saturday, erik had said he felt like he didn’t even know me, so i spent a good hour or two telling him everything and anything about me (emotional deep stuff to the fact that i only like red gummy bears, and i used to play with snap dragons when i was a kid)
he flew to italy, and i went to chris’s
chris wanted to take me out for my birthday dinner and stuff, which was nice
had a few drinks, tried to get my mind off of erik, and wound up in bed with chris again
except, this time, i cried for erik after…
tuesday… erik had im’ed me when he landed safely, good boy, he’s trained well.
we didn’t really speak much, but i sent him a nice email so he wouldn’t forget about me.
yesterday, wednesday, we spoke for two hours on aim while he was there
it sounds like we’re going to get back together…
he said something along the lines of “if this is going to work, we have to be honest with eachother from now on” (me about chris and both of us about our emotions)
and “if you ever fake it while i fuck you i am going to dump you”
along with many many other things that sounded very promising.
he admitted he was jealous of chris and he wasn’t at all comfortable with me being with him
so it really makes me think we might be back together?
but his myspace still says single…
hopefully soon…
i didn’t hear from him today.
i’m scared he’s with another girl.
lord knows he’s entitled, especially after what i did with chris,
but it still hurts to think about that possibility…
this weekend was so incredible, so amazing, so *passionate*
we just had so much fun, now that everything is on the table.
the spark between us is back and brighter than ever
i’ve never felt something so intense, so pure…
i’m keeping my fingers crossed.
i’m going to marry this boy…

one more day until tomorrow…
i am already thinking about prepping ice and bandages, because i know i’ll need them.
sweet.

had my first riding lesson with DUET (Drexel University Equestrian Team) this friday, and it was awesome
i haven’t taken a lesson in, what, over 6 years?
hell i haven’t even been on a horse in over 8 months.
basically, some girls grouped together at school and decided we want to form a team to compete in the IHSA (Intercollegiate Horse Show Association)
we’re riding at this place called Ashford Farm in Conshohocken, and it’s absolutely gorgeous.
I got to ride this horse named Bubbles (found out *after* the lesson that his real name is Troubles. hah.).
he’s private, really made me work/concentrate, and omg he collects up so wonderfully.
the instructor is really good, she worked me *really* hard
even John and EJ said so
i think i spent a total of about 15 minutes using stirrups…
everything else was sit trot, posting trot, two point, no stirrups.
*ouch*
i am way outta shape. my legs are so not there.
my seat wasn’t bad though, so that’s good.
at the end of the lesson, during my ‘cool
down’ i was posting with stirrups for a few minutes and could literally feel the  bones in my ankle *crunching* against each other.
that was not fun, not fun at all.
excruciating pain anyone? blinding pain?
yes please, i’ll take two.
but i just gritted my teeth and kept going.
this is something i have to look forward to every friday now, hurrah!
my limp is back.
the one i worked for years to get rid of.
but oh well, it’s worth it.
my ankle swelled to three times it’s normal size.
my legs are sore and my muscles hurt.
i couldn’t be fucking happier 🙂

erik and i broke up friday (april 7, 2006)…
i had my first riding lesson with DUET, it went incredibly well. went out for drinks with John and EJ (new girl, she was cool) after, got pretty damn drunk, came home and sobered up so i could pick him up from the airport at midnight.
i went to get him, he gave me the standard huge hug and passionate kiss. we came home, hung out for a few minutes, and then he said it
he doesn’t want to be in this relationship with me anymore.
he can’t deal with the distance
he feels “too guilty” about not being able to give me the time/energy he feels i deserve
he wants to sleep with other people (wow… asshole…)
i lost it.
i didn’t know what to do.
i told him no, he wasn’t allowed to do this, we aren’t breaking up
it didn’t work
i cried and cried
i begged and pleaded
i was the girl i always swore i wouldn’t be
the one desperate to stop it from happening
i told him i loved him
i told him over and over
he said he loved me too
i cried and cried a
nd didn’t sleep at all that night
he held me and cried too, but i didn’t think it was honest, and when i called him out on it, he got really angry (apparently it was legit)
saturday we woke up. he cuddled and kissed me. we had sex. we showered together.
but it wasn’t the same.
we drove to the SEMA IAS convention
we didn’t say a word to eachother
i sat the entire day at the table in the booth, crying.
he sat with me occasionally and held me and cuddled me and kissed me.
we left at 7, came back to my apartment, ordered a pizza and fell asleep together since neither of us slept the night before
woke up when the pizza came, ate in silence
i tried again, desperately, to convince him please don’t do this, to no avail
we eventually fell asleep…
woke up the next morning, he wanted to sleep with me but i couldn’t, i just cried…
i tried again to convince him not to do this, didn’t work
he asked if i would still go with him to SEMA.
i asked if he wanted me there, he said yes, so i agreed.
in my mind, these last moments with him were invaluable.
he went to take a shower, didn’t ask me to come with him,
but that gave me time to think.
fuck him, if he wants to sleep with other people, that fucking prick, then i will beat him to his own game
i called chris and asked if i could come over.
he was busy but he
said okay.
erik got out of the shower and i told him that i had done some thinking and i thought it was best if he called a cab to get to Fort Washington.
he asked me if i was serious and i said yes, i have other plans.
he called rich and rich agreed to come pick him up.
immediately after, he packed his bags and walked out of my apartment.
no goodbye, nothing.
he just left.
fuck that
i took a shower and got dressed in a hurry, i wanted him to see me leave.
he was downstairs in the hallway waiting for his ride, sitting with his legs stretched out playing on his sidekick
i walked right over him without even looking at him, which killed me.
i didn’t say a word, i just left.
i drove to chris’s feeling pretty good actually.
got there and he met me with open arms.
i kissed him, finally.
i had been waiting a while to do that
and it was nice.
we ran some errands all day, then finally came back to his house and went out for dinner with Justin (his roommate)
i got really drunk really quickly since i hadn’t eaten since friday afternoon (too nauseous to hold anything down)
we came back to his place, watched family guy, and had sex
it was rough, it was passionate, it was really good.
i had been wanting to sleep with him for a long time, but i never did because i loved erik so much…
we cuddled afterwards, and
we fell asleep together
i wasn’t planning on staying over, but he asked me to, so i did.
i didn’t bring my pills and actually slept incredibly well despite the situation and not having sleeping pills
woke up this morning in each others arms, it was nice, i wasn’t thinking about erik for the moment
we had sex again, then i got dressed and left to try and make it to class
hit a lot of traffic on 95, got back to philly at 9:03, my class was at 9am, but it took me 20 minutes to find a parking spot so i didn’t bother going… oh well.
i blocked erik on aim. i just can’t stand seeing his name there and not being able to talk to him.
he changed his myspace from ‘married’ to ‘single’
i did the same, and it broke my heart…
i haven’t heard from him at all (big surprise)
he knows about chris.
he knew where i was going and what(who) i was doing.
he asked rob about it. rich knew too.
apparently, he still intends on coming up for my birthday this weekend…
i am absolutely terrified.
i love him with all my heart.
i am going to marry that boy.
this can’t be happening…
here’s what he had to say about it, in his xanga:
I ruined something special this weekend… I walked away from something that was pretty good. I stepped out of a relationship that didn’t really have any serious problems beca
use it’s just not the right time to be in one.
Love is a verb. It requires active input. Time, energy, money. These three commodities are extremely scarce right now in my life, specifically the first and second. I am so busy, so wrapped up in so many projects, that I just don’t have anything left to use for a serious relationship. Relationships involve both a commitment to a person and a commitment to yourself to actively participate in a relationship with that person, and these are both commitments I found it increasingly harder to keep.
Being in a relationship shouldn’t make you feel guilty, and yet I felt guilty all the time. Guilty that I didn’t text her anymore. Guilty that I didn’t call her anymore. Guilty that I didn’t write her anymore. And especially guilty that I didn’t much think about her anymore. The last thing that I can cope with these days are constant and nagging feelings of guilt and remorse.
She said it didn’t matter. Said she wouldn’t bother her, wouldn’t need me to call or write or text. Said she just wanted to be with me whenever she could and that was enough. But it’s not enough for me and relationships take both people, not just one.
I tried my hardest to be nice about it. I tried my hardest to stay to the high road. I held her when she cried, I said nice things. But she took the low road. She said mean things. It made me say not nice things. I cou
ldn’t hold it there, couldn’t hold my ground. It ended up low. Ended up dirty. She said things she didn’t mean. She hates me. wishes she never met me. All I wished for was her understanding, and somehow I couldn’t get it.
I won’t say that restlessness wasn’t a factor. It had been almost a year and a half – one of the longest relationships I’ve had in quite some time. I’m not good for the long haul, not really designed for it. It’s not in my nature. For me, it takes that much more effort to be comitted.
Relationships don’t scare me, I’m not afraid. I welcome challenge with open arms, and everyone that knows me knows that. But I only have space in my life right now for certain challenges, for certain projects, and, to my regret, relationships aren’t one of them.
She said she would change, would try to do things different. But relationships aren’t about personal change. You don’t date someone to make them change, and you certainly don’t change yourself to date someone. You can do uncharacteristic things for your significant other, but you don’t change your character.
In the end, it ended badly. I closed a door on her. She walked by me like I was a stranger. There was no hug, no kiss, no fond farewell. I wanted to part as friends, and I am so hurt and dismayed that we parted as enemies. I brought the coffin. I tried to place this in it gently. Tried to be caring and
supportive and stern. But she took the low road, said things she didn’t mean. I brought the coffin and she nailed herself into it and shut me out. I really wish the casket could’ve been open.
and on his website, erikjacobs.com:
Currently I’m Feeling: Saddened that I couldn’t stay friends with someone special.
Watching: The world go by quickly.
Reading: Nothing.
Where I’m headed next: Back to Philadelphia for some partying, then Italy for work.
that last part is what freaks me out. apparently he intends on coming back, even after he knew about chris.
i’m scared.
what if he does come?
what am i going to do/say?
i’d give absofuckinglutely anything to have him back…
god this can’t be happening

i might as well say it…
we broke up friday night.
he said he couldn’t deal with the relationship anymore
that the distance was too much
that he felt guilty about not being able to spend as much time/enegy on me/it as he wanted
that he wanted to sleep with other people (yup, fucking asshole)
i am an absolute mess…
i seriously don’t know what to do.

123456!

On Wednesday morning of this week,
at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning,
the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06