erik and i broke up friday (april 7, 2006)…
i had my first riding lesson with DUET, it went incredibly well. went out for drinks with John and EJ (new girl, she was cool) after, got pretty damn drunk, came home and sobered up so i could pick him up from the airport at midnight.
i went to get him, he gave me the standard huge hug and passionate kiss. we came home, hung out for a few minutes, and then he said it
he doesn’t want to be in this relationship with me anymore.
he can’t deal with the distance
he feels “too guilty” about not being able to give me the time/energy he feels i deserve
he wants to sleep with other people (wow… asshole…)
i lost it.
i didn’t know what to do.
i told him no, he wasn’t allowed to do this, we aren’t breaking up
it didn’t work
i cried and cried
i begged and pleaded
i was the girl i always swore i wouldn’t be
the one desperate to stop it from happening
i told him i loved him
i told him over and over
he said he loved me too
i cried and cried a
nd didn’t sleep at all that night
he held me and cried too, but i didn’t think it was honest, and when i called him out on it, he got really angry (apparently it was legit)
saturday we woke up. he cuddled and kissed me. we had sex. we showered together.
but it wasn’t the same.
we drove to the SEMA IAS convention
we didn’t say a word to eachother
i sat the entire day at the table in the booth, crying.
he sat with me occasionally and held me and cuddled me and kissed me.
we left at 7, came back to my apartment, ordered a pizza and fell asleep together since neither of us slept the night before
woke up when the pizza came, ate in silence
i tried again, desperately, to convince him please don’t do this, to no avail
we eventually fell asleep…
woke up the next morning, he wanted to sleep with me but i couldn’t, i just cried…
i tried again to convince him not to do this, didn’t work
he asked if i would still go with him to SEMA.
i asked if he wanted me there, he said yes, so i agreed.
in my mind, these last moments with him were invaluable.
he went to take a shower, didn’t ask me to come with him,
but that gave me time to think.
fuck him, if he wants to sleep with other people, that fucking prick, then i will beat him to his own game
i called chris and asked if i could come over.
he was busy but he
said okay.
erik got out of the shower and i told him that i had done some thinking and i thought it was best if he called a cab to get to Fort Washington.
he asked me if i was serious and i said yes, i have other plans.
he called rich and rich agreed to come pick him up.
immediately after, he packed his bags and walked out of my apartment.
no goodbye, nothing.
he just left.
fuck that
i took a shower and got dressed in a hurry, i wanted him to see me leave.
he was downstairs in the hallway waiting for his ride, sitting with his legs stretched out playing on his sidekick
i walked right over him without even looking at him, which killed me.
i didn’t say a word, i just left.
i drove to chris’s feeling pretty good actually.
got there and he met me with open arms.
i kissed him, finally.
i had been waiting a while to do that
and it was nice.
we ran some errands all day, then finally came back to his house and went out for dinner with Justin (his roommate)
i got really drunk really quickly since i hadn’t eaten since friday afternoon (too nauseous to hold anything down)
we came back to his place, watched family guy, and had sex
it was rough, it was passionate, it was really good.
i had been wanting to sleep with him for a long time, but i never did because i loved erik so much…
we cuddled afterwards, and
we fell asleep together
i wasn’t planning on staying over, but he asked me to, so i did.
i didn’t bring my pills and actually slept incredibly well despite the situation and not having sleeping pills
woke up this morning in each others arms, it was nice, i wasn’t thinking about erik for the moment
we had sex again, then i got dressed and left to try and make it to class
hit a lot of traffic on 95, got back to philly at 9:03, my class was at 9am, but it took me 20 minutes to find a parking spot so i didn’t bother going… oh well.
i blocked erik on aim. i just can’t stand seeing his name there and not being able to talk to him.
he changed his myspace from ‘married’ to ‘single’
i did the same, and it broke my heart…
i haven’t heard from him at all (big surprise)
he knows about chris.
he knew where i was going and what(who) i was doing.
he asked rob about it. rich knew too.
apparently, he still intends on coming up for my birthday this weekend…
i am absolutely terrified.
i love him with all my heart.
i am going to marry that boy.
this can’t be happening…
here’s what he had to say about it, in his xanga:
I ruined something special this weekend… I walked away from something that was pretty good. I stepped out of a relationship that didn’t really have any serious problems beca
use it’s just not the right time to be in one.
Love is a verb. It requires active input. Time, energy, money. These three commodities are extremely scarce right now in my life, specifically the first and second. I am so busy, so wrapped up in so many projects, that I just don’t have anything left to use for a serious relationship. Relationships involve both a commitment to a person and a commitment to yourself to actively participate in a relationship with that person, and these are both commitments I found it increasingly harder to keep.
Being in a relationship shouldn’t make you feel guilty, and yet I felt guilty all the time. Guilty that I didn’t text her anymore. Guilty that I didn’t call her anymore. Guilty that I didn’t write her anymore. And especially guilty that I didn’t much think about her anymore. The last thing that I can cope with these days are constant and nagging feelings of guilt and remorse.
She said it didn’t matter. Said she wouldn’t bother her, wouldn’t need me to call or write or text. Said she just wanted to be with me whenever she could and that was enough. But it’s not enough for me and relationships take both people, not just one.
I tried my hardest to be nice about it. I tried my hardest to stay to the high road. I held her when she cried, I said nice things. But she took the low road. She said mean things. It made me say not nice things. I cou
ldn’t hold it there, couldn’t hold my ground. It ended up low. Ended up dirty. She said things she didn’t mean. She hates me. wishes she never met me. All I wished for was her understanding, and somehow I couldn’t get it.
I won’t say that restlessness wasn’t a factor. It had been almost a year and a half – one of the longest relationships I’ve had in quite some time. I’m not good for the long haul, not really designed for it. It’s not in my nature. For me, it takes that much more effort to be comitted.
Relationships don’t scare me, I’m not afraid. I welcome challenge with open arms, and everyone that knows me knows that. But I only have space in my life right now for certain challenges, for certain projects, and, to my regret, relationships aren’t one of them.
She said she would change, would try to do things different. But relationships aren’t about personal change. You don’t date someone to make them change, and you certainly don’t change yourself to date someone. You can do uncharacteristic things for your significant other, but you don’t change your character.
In the end, it ended badly. I closed a door on her. She walked by me like I was a stranger. There was no hug, no kiss, no fond farewell. I wanted to part as friends, and I am so hurt and dismayed that we parted as enemies. I brought the coffin. I tried to place this in it gently. Tried to be caring and
supportive and stern. But she took the low road, said things she didn’t mean. I brought the coffin and she nailed herself into it and shut me out. I really wish the casket could’ve been open.

and on his website,
Currently I’m Feeling: Saddened that I couldn’t stay friends with someone special.
Watching: The world go by quickly.
Reading: Nothing.
Where I’m headed next: Back to Philadelphia for some partying, then Italy for work.

that last part is what freaks me out. apparently he intends on coming back, even after he knew about chris.
i’m scared.
what if he does come?
what am i going to do/say?
i’d give absofuckinglutely anything to have him back…
god this can’t be happening

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