so i guess i should update about this past weekend before my memory starts to fail me…
he was supposed to come in friday night for my birthday.
we hadn’t spoke since i walked out on him sunday morning, and he on me.
marty told me he was still planning on coming up, so i was expecting him to call.
my riding lesson was cancelled due to rain,
john and i went to dinner at the olive garden in center city,
i got completely smashed while it was still daylight.
came home and went to sleep to wait for erik.
woke up, showered, cleaned up a bit, and waited.
his flight got in at 1am.
1:30am, no phone call.
2:00am, no phone call.
2:30am, no phone call.
i finally gave up and went to sleep a complete and total mess.
i had been hoping he would take a taxi and just show up, romantic, but he never did.
i had a feeling i should go to the airport just to see if he was there, but i didn’t.
the next morning (saturday) i woke up at 8am for no apparent reason.
no messages from him on the computer or
my phone, i was starting to worry since i hadn’t heard from him.
i checked his xanga, and found this…
I was greeted by the smell of urine as I stepped into the Philadelphia airport tonight.  How fitting, I suppose.  A sign, maybe?
This is the first time in more than a year and a half that I’m in the same city as her, but I probably will not see her.  She hasn’t talked to me since I walked out that Sunday morning.  She ignored me on her way past to her car.  Pretended like I was just some guy waiting in the foyer for something, some guy that didn’t seem worth talking to.
I keep looking for her car as I sit in the airport waiting for Dennis to pick me up.  I look at every vehicle that drives by and expect to hear the rumble of the exhaust and the blue tinge of cheap HIDs installed when she wasn’t looking.  It never comes, and Dennis calls, and I get in his truck and we go to the Residence inn.
It would’ve been nice to have our little tour guide this weekend.  But that probably won’t happen.  This weekend will come and go and I will be in Philadelphia and leave and go to Italy.  No sex, no cuddling, no time with her.  Well, maybe I will get laid, but I’d rather just sleep.  It’s been a while.
I really would like to spend her birthday with her.&
nbsp; I don’t have any presents, and I don’t have any money to buy them with, and I don’t even know what to get her.  But it would be nice.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, why I’m writing.  I think I’m writing just for the sake of writing.  I guess I should just go to sleep.

he had written it at 2:40am.
apparently he was expecting me to call, and i was expecting him…
like a heartbreaking scene out of a movie or something.
i gave in.
i called him.
he didn’t answer.
i waited ten minutes, figured he was asleep or something.
i tried again, no answer.
then i called the residence inn and asked if erik jacobs had checked in. he hadn’t.
i asked if dennis mertzanis had checked in
they connected me instead of just saying yes.
dennis answered, he put erik on.
the conversation wasn’t pretty.
it was cold, harsh, hostile even.
i asked if he wanted me to pick him up.
he said he did.
so i went to get him, he gave me a hug, it felt good, but it was definitly hard for me.
we went out to brunch with dennis and his fiancee susan
erik and i didn’t say a word to eachother, but we had fine conversation with everyone else.
after lunch, we drove back to my apartment.
we barely spoke, and when we did, the tone was harsh.
we finally got home, sat down
on the bed, and talked.
we talked about the same stuff as we had last week, except this time without the anger.
he isn’t ready to be in this relationship, he doesn’t feel he can give me the time/energy/devotion he feels he should and he feels i deserve
i don’t care, i want him anyway, i want to be with him regardless.
nothing changed, nothing got accomplished.
he tried not to kiss me, not to get close to me, he said it would be too hard for the both of us, it’d be wrong.
he gave in eventually 😉
we had amazing incredible sex
then dennis called, we got dressed, and we went down to center city to meet up with him and chang and one of their friends angie from atlanta who is going to culinary school in new york.
erik and i got there early, so we each had a pint of yuengling.
then the rest of the crew showed up, and went and sat for dinner.
this place, nodding head pub, was actually really good.
they brew their own beer and it’s amazing
their fries are the best in philly, incredible
the whole time though, erik was so wonderful to me
he treated me like his girlfriend, like nothing had changed
he held my hand and/or my leg the whole time, gave me kisses, snuggled.
it was so lovely.
after dinner, dennis and chang and angie left, and erik and i walked around center city a bit, then wound up at rittenhouse square.
we sat in the park for about an hour on a bench just cuddling and enjoying each other’s company.
then we went for a little drive up kelly drive
pulled into one of the carparks on the banks of the schuylkill river, talked, and had sex in the backseat of my car 😉
came back to the apartment, cuddled on the couch for a bit, then had even *more* amazing incredible sex.
it was unbelievable.
it was so passionate, so pure, so amazing.
he made me squirt around 27 times.
it lasted for hours
we finally went to sleep around 3:30-4:00am
woke up the next morning around 11am and of course, had even more sex, another 9 or 10 times squirting…
he’s incredible.
decided we wanted to get some breakfast,
so we took a shower (so much better than the last shower last week) and tried to find a restaurant
i had wanted ihop in the morning but by the time we crawled out of bed and out of the shower it was around 4 and i was in the mood for a steak (for some reason)
so we ended up going to the cheesecake factory at the king of prussia mall.
it was nice since it was easter sunday there really weren’t any people around, it was nice and quiet.
when we were seated, the waiter put us at one of the tables with a bench seat on one side and two chairs on the other.
erik sat down on the bench and asked me to sit next to him
we cudd
led throughout the entire dinner. kissed, held hands, played around a bit under the table, and just had the most amazingly romantic time together.
after dinner, we wanted to go see a movie, but had two hours until the showing, so we decided to take a nap in the car to kill time
apparently, i was pretty drunk and we talked a lot (big surprise)
i fell asleep, we woke up at 7:30pm and went to the movie
when i woke up though, erik was pretty upset with me over something i had apparently said right before i fell asleep
he wouldn’t tell me what it was though…
we saw Lucky Number Slevin and it was *really* good
when we first sat down, i figured, screw him, he won’t tell me why he’s mad so i am going to ignore him
that lasted all of five minutes
he leaned over and pulled me close to him and we cuddled and held hands the whole time
and he would give me little kisses on my head and smell my hair and oh… so lovely…
after the movie, we drove home (he was driving my G because he loves it and wants one of his own) and he told me what i had said
apparently, right before i had fallen asleep i had asked him to marry me.
he said “i can’t yet”
i got upset because i had proposed and i got shot down
he told me i didn’t get shot down, but he hadn’t said yes so i insisted i had.
i told him not to worry, that i was the first to sa
y i love you and the first to propose and i wouldn’t ever do that again.
he said *he* was the first to say i love you.
that night in atlanta over christmas at the ice cream place with marty…
(we were play fighting and erik slipped and said i love you. when i asked him what he had said he replied ‘nothing’ and i said no i heard it wtf did you say and he just said ‘france’. he wouldn’t own up to it, but he said it. he said it first. and he meant it.)
i said well that may be true but don’t worry i won’t ever propose to you again
his response? “why not? i might say yes one day…”
yeah, i cried.
we got home, wanted to get dessert, but everything was closed since it was easter.
we went to 711 and got a thing of ben and jerrys, came home, sat on the couch and ate it while watching monty python.
more sex before bedtime,
then cuddling and sweet sweet sleep.
woke up the next morning (monday, my 22nd birthday) and i went to class
class was cancelled.
i came home and convinced him that i had decided to spend the hour with him instead of going to class.
he got all upset i was missing out on school and i finally told him the real reason i was home
he kicked me out of the bedroom while he did some top secret work…
we cuddled, talked, and cried some more, then i drove him to the airport so he could fly to atla
nta then to italy for a week for work.
later that day, a huge bouquet of birthday flowers arrived.
there was a snap dragon in it.
at one point on saturday, erik had said he felt like he didn’t even know me, so i spent a good hour or two telling him everything and anything about me (emotional deep stuff to the fact that i only like red gummy bears, and i used to play with snap dragons when i was a kid)
he flew to italy, and i went to chris’s
chris wanted to take me out for my birthday dinner and stuff, which was nice
had a few drinks, tried to get my mind off of erik, and wound up in bed with chris again
except, this time, i cried for erik after…
tuesday… erik had im’ed me when he landed safely, good boy, he’s trained well.
we didn’t really speak much, but i sent him a nice email so he wouldn’t forget about me.
yesterday, wednesday, we spoke for two hours on aim while he was there
it sounds like we’re going to get back together…
he said something along the lines of “if this is going to work, we have to be honest with eachother from now on” (me about chris and both of us about our emotions)
and “if you ever fake it while i fuck you i am going to dump you”
along with many many other things that sounded very promising.
he admitted he was jealous of chris and he wasn’t at all comfortable with me being with him
so it really makes me think we might be back together?
but his myspace still says single…
hopefully soon…
i didn’t hear from him today.
i’m scared he’s with another girl.
lord knows he’s entitled, especially after what i did with chris,
but it still hurts to think about that possibility…
this weekend was so incredible, so amazing, so *passionate*
we just had so much fun, now that everything is on the table.
the spark between us is back and brighter than ever
i’ve never felt something so intense, so pure…
i’m keeping my fingers crossed.
i’m going to marry this boy…

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